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How can I help my friend struggling with depression?

5 points · submitted Nov 2014 by u/rascus_ · archived

There seem to be a lot of you here who struggle or have struggled with depression, and I've seen a lot of wise and encouraging comments on those threads.

I have a friend whose body is pretty fucked up chemically, so she has a ton of allergies and intolerances and had been dealing with depression for the past few months. She also has ADD so concentrating at school and on homework is super hard, even without the lack of motivation and energy from depression. She's gone to a doctor and has been taking medication, but she just feels worse.

When she tells me all this, I have no idea what the right thing to say is. Any encouragement or token sympathy feels so empty and pointless in the face of the crushing hopelessness she's dealing with.

What can I do to help? How can I encourage her to stick with it even when she feels like shit?

9 comments · 86% upvoted · other discussions

comments

[deleted] 3 points · Nov 2014

Listen. Show that you're listening and that you understand. Thats what she needs from you.

rascus_ [OP] 1 points · Nov 2014 · Be kind to one another

Listening I can do, but anything more than that and I feel at a loss.

Pswansino 5 points · Nov 2014 · I hope today is a good day.

Sympathy isn't necessarily what you would want to give. If you say "yeah, I've felt like that before" it doesn't really help, neither does stories of how you've been in just as bad a position as them. Just listen. Ask if she wants to talk. If she does, just listen and nod.

rascus_ [OP] 1 points · Nov 2014 · Be kind to one another

Not sympathy as much as hopefulness is what I want to go for. So she knows there's a light at the end of the tunnel.

Pswansino 2 points · Nov 2014 · I hope today is a good day.

Speaking as a person who has depression, I've always found it most helpful when someone can just be like "that sucks" and can listen to me vent

[deleted] 3 points · Nov 2014

I have gone through depression. Your friend is a lucky person to have someone concerned about them. I think the first thing to realize is that depression is not your fault, and is not your friends fault. It is not your responsibility to cure your friend. You must accept this.

I hated when people kept posting me to try that or do that in regards to my treatment. I would end up ignoring your or quitting trying to be your friend if I was depressed and you were trying to make me 'stick with it' even when I don't feel like it is helping me. Depression is a complex problem and medication is not for everyone. It definitely was not for me.

To me the best you can do is talk. Really talk about the important things with your friend. About what they want to get out of life. What they think is not something that is valuable in life. Ask them out to do things, life exercise. Exercise is something that GREATLY benefits people with depression. In many cases is better than medication (you can find any number of articles talking about this).

Visit them and contact them often, as a good friend ought to. Talk to them about the important things in life, not simply about if whatever band slit up. Get your friend to do physical exercise with you, like running or joining a gym. I think this is the best that anyone can do.

rascus_ [OP] 1 points · Nov 2014 · Be kind to one another

Thanks for the advice. She already likes exercising a lot, but I don't know how much she's done of it lately. The next time I'm at her house, I'll ask her!

Pro-Patria-Mori 3 points · Nov 2014

It's sometimes hard to be around people who are depressed, especially if you have never experienced it. The best thing that you can do is just listen to her and let her know that you love her.

People who are depressed are usually very sensitive, so don't to point out what they are doing wrong. Instead word it in a more positive way. For instance, don't say "You should get out more, it's not healthy to be inside the house all day". Instead ask her if she would like to go to the movies or something like that. "I really want to see this film and would love it if you went with me". I repeat, stay away from "You should . . . why don't you . . . why can't you"

Ask her if she has talked to her doctor about the medication she's taking because something isn't working right if she's feeling worse than before. They might need to switch to something different. Most importantly let her know how much you care about her and that you're always available to talk.

rascus_ [OP] 2 points · Nov 2014 · Be kind to one another

Yeah, I definitely wouldn't try to prescribe some solution she should do. I've never been through depression, so I only imagine what it feels like based on other's experiences I've read about.

When I spoke to her yesterday, she said she needed to hear encouraging words from people, but it's so hard to sound genuinely positive when nothing is getting better :( I'm not the most tactful person all the time, so I usually just shut up instead of trying to come up with something that may just fall flat.