Estranged in life, what ifs in death
I’m a woman in my 20s and I lost my mom about 3 months ago. She was an alcoholic for the entirety of my life and passed away due to an alcohol related illness.
Our relationship has always been on and off. In the last year of her life, we were on speaking terms and due to her disabilities from the alcohol related illness— she was sober for the first time ever. So to summarize a very long story: my mom was estranged forever, got extremely sick & healed temporarily, we regained communication, she died less than a year later.
Following her death, I have severely struggled with the grief. I think people assume I am more okay than I am because we weren’t always on the best terms, but she was still my mom? I just feel constantly haunted by the what ifs and hypotheticals. We were finally on a somewhat ‘right track’ and now she’s gone again. I have so many unresolved feelings and unanswered questions.
It just sucks and I’m so young that no one I’m close with has experienced losing a parent so I feel alone in my grief on top of just feeling it.
ETA: the week she died and we held her services I was in utter shock and did not at all display the emotions I was feeling in a physical way. So I think a lot of peoples assumptions about my feelings stems from seeing me “seemingly” okay the week of. In the past month I have bought my first home and accepted a new job and I guess it’s all things I know she would be excited/ proud of. So it’s all hitting me full force currently.
Any advice, words of wisdom?
6 comments · 100% upvoted · other discussions
i know it's muchhhhh easier said than done, but please try not to care about what anybody else thinks.
this is your life, your grief, your mum. all that matters is you and your relationship with your mum. also, i feel like anyone with common sense should be more than aware of the fact that people outwardly display grief in many different ways, if at all, so someone would have to be a bit weird (stupid!) to judge someone for how they do so. it's so different for everybody!
i am happy for you that you regained communication with your mum, but can understand why you would be thinking so much about the 'what if's. obviously i'm just an outside perspective, a stranger, but the way i see it is like, what a relief that you rekindled that relationship, and i'm sure you both had some lovely conversations and moments whilst you were on that 'right track' together, and those memories are the most recent, not the past, bad ones.
sending lots of love! <3
also congratulations on the new job and your first home (WOAH!!), that's amazing, and damn right your mum would be proud! :)
egsmall [OP] 1 points · Jul 2024
thank you so much, that is a great perspective ❤️🩹🥺