u/GilesEnglishCB

I very much identify as a submissive, but I can be assertive and even dominant - or leaderly - in everyday life when I have an external source of certainty.

Dr Google tells me it is possible for SSRIs to make you anorgasmic while still experiencing arousal and erection. Strikes me that if your orgasm is poor, chastity becomes attractive as a way of experiencing the plateau phase instead.

I think possibly you wanting it too made that part a little easier

Ah. Is this one of those "He quite likes it, she's utterly wedded to the idea" situations? If so, that's a different question.

Yes, in general, this works best with as little overhead or emotional labour for the woman has possible.

I'm not sure there are a lot of women here, so forgive me if I'm the first to respond.

I was the one to introduce chastity to our relationship. However, as soon as I got a really practical device, my wife just kept me locked longer and longer and said she prefers me that way: sex is on her terms, and - for her - chastity means my submission, so she's also in charge. Everything works the way she likes it.

I think this is actually quite common.

We handled it by just going with the flow, but also with me responsible for all the practicalities.

I think this really depends on the which dating pool you swim in!

I'm impressed by the integrated tetherspout. How exact does the measurement have to be?

Brilliant!

Yes, here is one of the places I think, but you need to give us more details.

Calibration. Get him to do whatever it is you want harder and harder until it is too much. That way he'll know what too much actually feels like, and - more importantly - that you can survive too much if it happens.

So for a start, I think your position is good. The bedroom is "dead" but he's still with you so, I think he'll be at least willing to hear you out. At the same time - if you're lucky - maybe he's a little passive with a tendency to submission. Maybe you're "pickiness" in bed makes him feel insecure, so you taking charge will be a relief.

However, for this to work you need a clear idea of what femdom means to you. Do you mean something playful where you do "a scene" focussed on toying with him? Or do you mean basically he's your slave and does what you order him and nothing else?

As for how to bring it up, get him to do something sensual but not directly sexual for you, e.g. rub your feet. If it goes well, just tell him something like: "Sometimes I masturbate to fantasies about [your fantasy here]." No subtle hints, no beating about the bush. It's important to own this thing. If he responds at all positively, follow through immediately with, "It would really turn me on if you would [fantasy here] right now." (You need to have that prepared upfront.)

You're established lovers. Assuming he isn't dealing with unresolved traumas, as long as you're doing something simple and he has a safe word, you don't need to negotiate the scene in detail upfront. You do, however, need to tell him what you are about to do each time so he has a chance to withdraw consent, .e.g "Bwahahaha I'm now going to tie you up..."

Babysteps.

The way some people write about chastity, I'm pretty sure this not uncommon.

I imagine he's having the time of his life and that you are possibly overthinking this!

However, one thing to consider might be to have a really clear boundary between play and not play. For example always have particular items you both wear, and only ever do kink while wearing.

Substack, though investigate terms of service first.

Your brain and body both have been overstimulated, so now your brain wants you to rest. In its wrongheaded way, it's sending you depressing feelings to make you do just that. (Same reason getting a virus makes us sad.)

Trust the signal - now is a good time to chill out and drink pumpkin spice lattes while curled up with a comfort read - but don't trust the content - now is a bad time to review your life, and definitely a bad time to examine the experience.

What I'm getting at is that kinky activities point to dynamics and power relationships, but for fantasy and solo play we tend to lean into activities on the basis of drama and doability. It's wort sorting through to work out what's what.

So, e.g. being cucked, for example, could be about a strong need to be cucked, or it could be about the need to be totally disempowered in a relationship and the cucked thing is really just a dramatic fantasy that gets you off because it points that direction.

You can get modesty swimming shorts with an insert that hides the outline of your junk.

I suspect that statistically, you are very lucky indeed.

Since that seems to be what floats u/sadisticsex's boat, do you have any dating advice for him?

It's certainly worth figuring it out first if you can. How much of what you think you want is stuff that you fapped over because it pointed to what you really want?

Now you're into a different problem, which is how to bring up any of this stuff!

Dating advice really depends on local conditions, and your demographic.

I think you're asking for three different things:

1. Dominant woman who likes a chaste house husband.
2. Dominatrix who likes doing all the hi-effort stuff.
3. A woman who likes you in chastity but is interested in other penises.

There are plenty of #1 around, some of #2 but they tend to be into dicks so less keen on chastity, and tiny number of #3.

You could also have a ladder of privileges, and the order could be amusing (to remind him of his place). Maybe coffee privileges are ranked lower than sofa privileges... So if he's sitting on the sofa drinking coffee, then he should feel proud of himself.

Could you perhaps have "Privileges", including Coffee Privilege? These could be earned (and revoked) as categories rather than specific things.

You could also tied them to habits or standards, just for example "if the house is tidy/you did your exercises yesterday, then you may have coffee today."

Regarding the chastity cage: it had better be one you know fits and works for you. A lot can go wrong with them, including getting a weird unsexy half erection "stuck in the barrel".