I'm going to miss him so much

A few days ago, I noticed that he was breathing extremely fast while resting. I took him to urgent care, where they told us to go to the ER for respiratory distress. After a few hours, they diagnosed him with congestive heart failure. We set up an appointment with a cardiologist for the end of August, which was the earliest possible date, and he has an appointment with his general vet tomorrow to check his kidneys and adjust the medications they gave us.

Ever since he got discharged from the ER, I have been so paranoid. I would count his breaths per minute every hour in the beginning. My chest hurts so much at night that it is hard to fall asleep, even though I am exhausted. I keep waking up in the middle of the night to make sure that he is alive. Giving him medicine four times a day reminds me of his grim fate, and it hurts me so much. Looking back at old videos, we noticed that his breathing had been very fast since around the end of April. However, he was outside a lot, and I was in full-time university, so I would mostly see him in the evenings this past year. So, I never noticed it :( I don't know how much things would have changed if we had known earlier, but at least we could have started him on medication much sooner.

At the same time, knowing that he may not have much time left makes me feel so paranoid and guilty. Before we found out about this, we were in the process of transitioning him into becoming an indoor cat. I was home a lot more, which is how I ended up noticing his breathing. He was doing so well, and we were even in the process of introducing him to a kitten my brother got. But now it feels like I am trapping him in the house, especially since he still asks to go outside every day. I know letting him outdoors could make things worse, but I still feel so guilty.

What's even worse is that he went to the cardiologist a year ago because the vet cancelled his neutering appointment due to his irregular heartbeat. The results came back showing that his heart was healthy. So the possibility of him developing heart disease wasn't even on my radar.

Most of all, I will miss him so much. He is lying on my chest and purring in my hair, just like he has done every night for the past five years. He is not gone yet, but I feel like I'm mourning him already. He is my closest friend. I had so many plans for him, and I was so excited for the future with him. He is only five. I didn't think I would have to face this situation so soon. I have imagined in the past how it would feel to lose him someday, and it made me cry. Now this is my reality, and I'm breaking apart.

It is so unfair that he got this condition. I want him to be happy, healthy, and live a good, long life, and it breaks me that I may not get to feel his warmth forever. No cat will ever be like him. He is so unique and special to me. I don't know how I will handle it after he passes.

I'm trying to live in the present and give him so much love. I bought him so many snacks and toys. I give him so many pets and kisses, and each one is filled with grief. I'll miss our routine. I'll miss seeing him when I come back from university every evening. I'll miss him licking every last treat crumb off my hand. I'll miss him playing with his catnip toys. I'll miss him purring on my chest every night and sleeping at my feet. I'll miss him lying under the Christmas tree all of December. I'll miss his meows and even his smelly poops. I'll miss how sassy and demanding he is, yet how sweet he is to me.

I really don't want to lose him so soon. He is so young. I hope I gave him a good life, and I hope that he is happy. I'm so scared that he is unhappy with me and hurt that I would come home so late sometimes while he was waiting for me by the door. I hope he knows how much I love him.