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Talking to my partner about impact play and spanking

1 points · submitted Oct 2025 by u/DeviantPost · archived

So to start, we're both fairly kinky already, she has spanked me in the past, we've tied eachother up, use toys, wax play, etc. What I specifically want to discuss but am having trouble articulating is how I want to be spanked. Last year I had a fwb who was great at spanking, she was great at building it up slowly and left some marks I loved having. I don't know how to explain it to my wife and I'm looking for some resources we can read together and kind of use as a guide. I did check the info section on this sub but there's nothing about impact play or spanking there, I'd really appreciate any resources people are able to provide :).

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RoboZandrock 5 points · Oct 2025

Two thoughts:

People often want two things during a spanking scene. They want a degree of D/S and they want impact play. Toss the D/S out the window for a couple sessions and chances are you wife will catch on really quick. My wife was terrified of hurting me. But when we sat down and practiced, she gained a lot of comfort really quickly (and I enjoyed it a lot more).

We simply sat down. Looked at the toys. Explain what is thuddy, stingy. What feels good early, what feels good late. And really had fun and played looking at them. When we did start impact play I really just talked out loud the entire time. "Hey that was perfect. Hey that was a bit hard. They can we go up a cane size. Hey can we switch to the paddle. He I'd love 30s break where you rub my ass and really let that heat sink in. Hey this is the point I really need some genital stimulation to get through the pain. Hey X, Y, and Z. Really teach a partner.

I get that breaks some of the D/S or top/bottom dynamic. But if you do that for 3-5 sessions chances are your partner is almost a pro. And the subsequent scenes can have you bound, gagged, and really in that submissive mindset.

If you google "Impact play BDSM guide" you'll find lots of instructional videos, and lots of written guides. I personally just searched around until I found one that seemed to visually and linguistically resonate with my wife.

DeviantPost [OP] 2 points · Oct 2025 · toy

Thank you! Tbh we're pretty loose with the whole top/bottom sub/Dom thing, so nbd about it breaking the dynamic. She has chronic fatigue and I have some chronic pain so we will often switch in the middle of sex depending on eachothers comfort. I'll take your advice and do some googling and also just try out some stuff and figure out what's good and feels good for both of us! 

DeviantPost [OP] 1 points · Oct 2025 · toy

I just wanted to make a more in-depth note on here for anyone having trouble navigating this like I am. 

I wound up reading SM 101 and it has a great segment on spanking/flogging/whipping/etc. The book suggests playing a 1-10 game with your partner where the spanker demonstrates what a 1 spank from them feels like, 2, 3, so on and so forth using the classic 1-10 intensity and pain scale. 

It would be easy for an expierenced spankee to lead with a kind of "give me your lightest hit.. that's a 1 and a good place to start for me" or "that's a bit light hit me a bit harder". 

I just wanted to share what clicks with my brain and communication style best for anyone else who may be struggling.