u/RoboZandrock

A couple suggestions:

As a society we have created this narrative that grief is bad. That is something to get over. That grief is something to get rid of. When that is not the reality. Grief shows us all the love and happiness and joy we had. I'm not suggesting you shouldn't have left the relationship. It's clear you should have. But reframing the grief as "Hey this really makes it clear that BDSM is something I need in a relationship. That I have a great relationship with BDSM. That my next partner I am going to continue to focus on it". You're allowed to both grieve and have a new relationship at the same time. You're allowed to have a little grief for the rest of your life. We often become so focused on managing grief we stop to actually feel it, experience it, and give it the valuable place it deserves. When I say "new relationship" I don't mean you need to jump into one. That can be friendship, that can be solo, that can be anything.

In terms of the short term. How to manage the pain.

• Exercise 30 minutes a day (or every other day)
• Focus on a healthy diet (also allowing pleasure foods in moderation). Stay hydrated
• Now can be a reasonable time to read / practice on emotional regulation practices like DBT, CBT, mindfulness, meditation, etc.
• Reach out to friends and family. You dont need to talk about the kink if you want to. Simply say I lost a long term partner and am struggling. Ask for them to walk in the park in silence with you. Ask them to take you bowling and pick you up. Ask to talk on the phone. Be kind, but ask for attention and support
• Throw yourself into a hobby. Finish that knitting project. Pick up painting. Get back into yoga. It doesn't matter. But romantic partners often pull us away from these a bit. Re-commit and distract yourself with them.

You almost certainly didn't talk to a real person. That was likely a fake profile, and not even a real person.

I'd highly suggest you use Fetlife to find munches, and date in person. "Domme's" don't do anything. They're just regular people. Generally paid services are either going to be very clear (i.e. a professional website, clear pay schedules), or someone is going to date pretty typically.

Again go meet some actually real flesh and blood people, ask questions, take at least 10-20 hours to do some research, and you'll have a lot better time.

To add to this

XEQT is great for a longterm investment. Meaning you have longer than 5+ years. Almost all historical large dips correct themselves within 5 years. So basically looking at the value "now" really doesn't matter at all with XEQT until you're about 5-7 years outside of retirment.

Stocks go up and down. A 20% decrease isn't uncommon. a 30% decrease is rare. And a 50% decrease is very odd, but can technically happen. If you're not comfortable with those, then XEQT might not be right for you.

A "good" return realistically is about 7-11% per year. We have had a run of good years the past 5 years. But a stock going up 9% isn't bad. That's a very normal year. People get so disillusion with NVIDIA going up 10,000% they don't know what normal companies do. The whole point of XEQT is to get a "total market increase" which realistically should be about 8%. So don't expect to see more than a 1% rise every 6 weeks basically (and again expect to see fluctuations). Stocks grow slower than we would like. There is no consistent way to "get rich quick"

Dating is hard.

If we could "match up on paper" via profiles, there wouldn't be the highest rate of single people in the last 50 years. I think one of the frustrating aspects is that even if we both are lets say leather bondage fanatics. And even if we both enjoy heavy bondage for generally 30-60 minute sessions.

Even then, there's still a style. Maybe someone is softer. Maybe someone enjoys the tying up process. Maybe someone wants to get the bondage out of the way as quick as possible because their arms get tired. Maybe someone likes it really tight. Maybe someone panics and likes it a bit loose so they can get themselves out. Maybe...

You see how even if "on paper" we line up there's just so much humanness that you need to see and work out in person to see if it works.

I'm certainly sympathetic of just "wanting the girl/boy". I think we all do. But a lot of people spend a long time looking for that unfortunately. And I think approaching it from 10 different angles is often the most sucessful.

Looks similar to the one I have from Latex Catfish.

As a note, you can see that the hood zipper doesn't line up with the bitchsuit. This is 2 separate pieces. This is a hood. And this is a bitchsuit.

I mean shower the morning of. 1-4 hours beforehand is fine.

You can show up a couple minutes early. But don't show up more than 3-5 minutes early. You can send a polite text "I will be arriving shortly. I'll probably be a couple minutes early, but I'll only knock/come in at 7:58 (i.e. 2 minutes before). It gives them good info you're still arriving, but also shows you're respecting the time limits of your session.

I often recommend treating this as you would a professional photographer, a doctor's appointment, or a mechanic. In the sense of be polite, be professional, be a decent fucking human, but you're also paying for a service, and politely ask for what you paid for. You're allowed to be "demanding" in a calm, measured, polite, way.

There's no idea way to date I think is the answer.

If you start with kink first, you are more likely to be sexually compatible. But it doesn't necessarily add to your political, spiritual, financial, child based, location based,....(you get it) compatibility.

You can just date "blindly" and bring up kink on a 3rd-5th date. The majority of kinky people I know who have long term relationships met people "in the wild". Where they went on a couple dates, got to know each other as people, and then brought up kink.

Don't wait a crazy long time period. I think 3rd-5th date is fine. You're likely getting flirty and a bit sexual, but haven't committed a lot of time yet. Probably on 2 weeks.

I met my wife at a potluck. We talked about the university program we were both in. Femdom didn't come up till two weeks later. We've been happily together for 15+ years now.

I understand wanting to "match up on kinks" that's totally reasonable. I just also think "matching up on wanting to live in Alaska in a wood cabin with a dog named Fred" is just as likely to result in a long term relationship.

Munches have their own vibes/culture. This isn't good/bad. It's just how groups form. Sometimes they are more casual/kink oriented. Sometimes they are more marriage oriented. If your local group isn't working for you just look elsewhere. Ask people out at a running club. Use Tinder. Ask out someone you meet at a party. All of them can be successful relationships. Yes, some will fail over the kink. But the kink ones are failing over the personality stuff.

If it's a paid session:

Show up on time. But not early. Showing up early can seem like you're trying to get extra time.

Practice good hygiene. You don't need to shave / change your appearance (unless you want to). But take a good long shower, use plenty of soap. Wash your hair. Wash your genitals. Wash your bum. You should show up smelling fresh. You don't need cologne / perfume /etc. Again "clean" is the goal.

If payment hasn't been settled yet, settle it before any play.

While I am sure you want to maximize your time. I would take 5-10 minutes to just talk. Be honest. Share your fears. Share your excitement. This isn't to "be in a relationship" but this will help your dominant steer the session. Honestly will help you get more out of the session.

Expect the first bit to feel awkward. New things are hard. Being feminized is likely a new-ish experience, especially with a partner. So it might not feel like your fantasy off the start. Don't be afraid to pause, just breath, and let yourself sink into the session. You're allowed to take a bit of time to get into your preferred headspace

Do use your safeword if you need. Don't be afraid to adjust the session if needed.

Don't be afraid to be selfish. Treat the other person with respect and as a person. Treat them as a human being. Treat them as a professional. But you are paying for a service, and don't be afraid to focus on yourself, to enjoy the experience, to get what you paid for and really focus on your own experience. Again this isn't a romantic partner and you don't need to impress, to compromise, to make sure she is having fun. You're allowed to focus on you (again within the confines of being a decent overall human being / respectful person)

When you're done. Say thanks. Don't stick around (again can seem like trying to get free time). Pay + tip (if you wish, shouldn't be expected). If you plan to go again, and you still have time left, you can do a debrief so that she can make adjustments for you next session.

Is this a paid session? Or is this with a partner/friend/lifestyle type interaction. Because that does change the answer.

So again ask her.

What do you like to see your submissive say? What do you like your submissive to wear? What acts do you like to see?

What makes you feel dominant? What does degradation feel like to you? Is it desperation? Is it pain? Is it helplness/begging? How long do you like videos to be? What shots do you like?

How often do you like to get videos? Do you want texts/calls in addition to them? Would you like to see live video via Discord?

Do you like me to come up with own acts of degradation? Would you like to choose them? Do you want a mix of both?

Again those are just a very quick number of things you can do, to put in work, and actually build a relationship emotionally, physically, intellectually, and spiritually with a partner. Those are ways you can go deeper than just a horny video. You can actually embrace your partner as a person on the other side of the slash.

Just because I'm a bit of a study nerd.

The 1/3 is a correlation, not a causation. While there was a 20-30% reduction (1/5 to 1/3), it doesn't mean that was purely caused by ejaculation. Those who are married might ejaculate more, and the whole social aspect of being married might protect. Those who ejaculate more might be healthier and it was their overall health that was protective. The authors of that study don't claim it as a fact. The claim it as a potential correlation.

Other studies have shown mixed results, or conflicting results. I do think in general that general sexual health is important. I also think that data needs to be carefully shared.

Prostate cancer is also medically a bit nuanced. We don't always treat every single prostate cancer, because some are very slow growing and you die with them, not from them. I know people hear "cancer" and go "oh god". But cancers have varying degrees of impacts on our life. Ideally you don't want them, but not all inherently impact our lives as much as others.

Relative risk (i.e. 1/3) also tend to sound a lot more impactful than absolute risks. The general lifetime prevalence of prostate cancer is about 12%. So a 30% reduction lowers it from 12% to 9%. Which isn't irrelevant, but does sound a lot different than 30%.

Again not to suggest your advice is bad. I just also think OP would benefit from context when claims like that are made. All of our lifestyle choices have general consequences. Should I be 20 pounds lighter? Certainly in terms of pure health outcomes. But I also weigh that again dinners with friends and quality of life.

You're putting the cart before the horse.

Why do you not know what your partner likes? Why haven't you asked? Why aren't you conversing with her?

Good submissive partners take initiate to learn about their actual partner, and don't ask the internet expecting dominant women to be a hivemind. Do you even know she enjoys videos? Have you actually stopped to ask what aspects of dominance she enjoys? And which she doesn't

I'd highly recommend you reading some old posts here / reading the new topping/bottoming book. And actually thinking with your brain, and not your horniness for a minute.

This is probably for the best.

If he was frustrated at you sharing very reasonable fears. He was probably not an ideal partner. Also that age gap is concerning for a lot of reasons. Lots of men present really well, until the relationship actually starts and real behaviours come out.

Good kink is worth waiting for. You'll find a great partner, that's likely more age appropriately, probably pretty quick

I don't think this is odd.

On a general level people love giving gifts and helping friends. People volunteer. People help out. People donate. All of that is really in the same territory as "butler"

The notion of a "trad wife" is pretty common. That comes with its own emotional package. But it amounts to very similar ideas, just in a more romantic context.

Certainly there are whole cultures on being Butler. It's a relatively prestigious job in parts of the world. And whole books on manners / etiquette are written.

The reality is most "online" spaces aren't really reflective of real life. Porn is super common, but obviously pretty unrealistic. What you want certainly exists. If you look in the femdom space, you'll actually see a lot more "service subs" where there isn't an overt sexual overtone.

GLPs do also affect our reward pathways.

There is new evidence (currently mice models) that GLP1s might help with addictions like alcohol and opioids. So the notion that pain/pleasure can change on them isn't really a new one.

People do report changes in sexual desire (both increases and decreases on them). So the idea of pain and arousal being connected also isn't entirely odd.

There's lots of ongoing research on some of the more neurological mechanisms of GLPs. We originally focused mostly on the GI emptying, and satiety, but its clear they have more biological effects as well. But most of the neuro data is pretty new.

This is reasonable advice.

You don't really need 21 times a month. More ejaculations = less prostate cancer risk, but we are talking small margins.

Once a week is likely fairly fine, based upon the lifespan of sperm, and ejaculate in general in terms of pretty general health. You are supposed to "clean the plumbing" per say, and it helps get rid of dying sperm.

But considering your total body health is absolutely reasonable.

I agree that OP going from a couple hours to permanent is very silly. There's also an emotional toll that can take a hit. There certainly is the cancer risk. But big changes in sexual behaviours can cause agitation, frustration, low mood etc. And if OP wants to try longer periods, then working up to it in small 10% increments is far more reasonable.

So another way of thinking about his.

Probably 50% of vanilla relationships are sort of the "maledom" equivalent of "femdom. They have a partner that's a bit demanding, expects financial control, expects sex, is a bit selfish and just demanding in general.

But those aren't "kinky" they're just societal. The expectation is a man is in charge. That he gets to be on top. That he gets served supper first, etc.

Now I'm not saying that's a good thing. But all those vanilla men don't go "I am into maledom". They just show up and say what they want.

My point here is that as much as femdom is a thing, it's not "a thing". Some femdom is non-sexual. Other femdom is bedroom only.

Pegging can be a part of femdom. But lots of people peg that want no power dynamic. A man giving up financial control can be femdom, or it can be cultural like in Japan. A man being put in a chastity cage can be femdom. And a partner expecting a partner to never masturbate and effectively be "chaste" can be religious.

My whole point here is that as much as "femdom" is a thing, much of what it is, is also just nebulous concepts that exist in all sorts of relationships without it ever being BDSM or femdom.

My partner and I do some harder scenes. We've had me head to toe in latex. Completely bound. With a rebreather hood, where my oxygen life is literally in her hands. Most people would probably call that kinky/dominant. And while my partner enjoys it, her enjoyment comes from more of a well of "giving". Her favourite part is my moans/groans/and sexual pleasure. Does he enjoy being "in charge". In some sense yes. In some sense no. Which is why the notion of "dominance as a personality trait" just doesn't work.

Many women would like to be dominant. But their dominance is far more subtle and muted. Where some people go "Oh that's vanilla" even though they would be happy to be strict and controlling. But it's the "wrong kind of control" and then people aren't interested in it.

Again all of this is to say, that really open people, who are willing to explore, and grow, and try out, often make excellent partners. They certainly always won't work out. But kinky partners also won't always work out.

The TLDR here is really again "The more you treat a femdom / FLR relationship like a "boring" relationship (aka good communication) the more likely it is to be successful.

I'm free to play.

If you're actually late game / end game. It's not that hard to make 3 teams, spend some time gearing, and auto all your battles to get into Gold 1. I consistently sit in Gold 2, then down to Gold 1, then back to Gold 2, and just auto all my battles every week.

If you really wanted Ramantu, you can manual you battles and hit Gold 1 and never get back into it.

If you hate PVP, don't play it. Games are meant to be fun. But Arena is largely just a gear check / roster check. which if you're actually end game should be reasonable to build out some champs.

3v3 in Gold I and Gold 2 is pretty simple. Go fast. Lockout with CD reduction. If you have a good provoker use them to keep mercurial stacks down. Prioritize multi-hitters. Ideally get something that goes through unkillable, some CC, and your own mercurial. Set up your auto-options to something reasonable. And do the 20 battles per days, where you spend half a second adjusting what team fights which team.

Again don't play PVP if you hate it. But PVP is designed to have a 50% win rate. You're supposed to face tough opponents, because it's actual other people who are building, ascending, etc their champs as well.

Are you doing this as a lifestyle dominant? Or a pro-domme? Because the two are very differnt.

I assume based upon the face you say "side hustle" you want to do this for money. I'd check out some sex worker subreddits. Because being a pro-domme follows a different rule-set than being a lifestyle dominant.

If you're being paid for sex work you're going to cater to 90% of their fantasy. You obviously still have you own limits in place, you do important things like get money upfront, etc. But your wants don't generally get discussed in sex work. You're catering to a fantasy.

If you want lifestyle resources look to things like: The new bottoming book, the new topping book, or use the search function here, there's lots of books discussed previously. But if you want to get paid, then read books on entrepreneurship, learn how to balance a budget, file taxes, how to set prices etc.

On top of that I'd do some research. Nearly 1 in 5 women in North America between the ages of 18-30 has tried some type of OF / sex work, and the average earnings is less than 150 dollars a month. Running a femdom company is a lot of work, generally takes 2-3 years before you build a client base, and might be a lot slower with a phonecall only service. People prefer in person / webcam / etc.

I personally just dated very regularly. I met my now wife in university when I was in my 20s. And dating for "femdom" was never overly important when meeting people. I brought it up once we had a good emotional connection (which was pretty early. I generally think 3rd-5th date is generally good).

That's not to say dating in a more kinky oriented space is a problem. Munches are great. Kink dating apps can be great. But it's to say that particularly if you're looking for a longer term relationship that good sex / kink compatibility really don't do that much. To me kink is more of a "dealbreaker" then something that keeps you together if that makes sense.

I tend to think that dating is a little different for men and women at the beginning. A lot of women talk a lot about safety, stalking, a lot of it is fear based. Men tend to talk more about compatibility. The reason I think this is relevant is because being open about your sexual wants is great in theory, but can come across as entitled or demanding, which is why I suggest going on a very "boring" date 2-3 times first. When I say "boring" I mean do fun things, but just ignore the femdom all together. I think once you have a bit of an emotional connection discussions regarding sex/kink go way way better.

If you struggle with dating, if you have any friends that are women, ask them to give you some feedback. Often times men can be a bit oblivious to some of their actions. And getting an idea from friend who are willing to tell you the tough truths can be helpful. I always give the advice date like you hangout with you guy friends. Clean up some of the vulgar behaviour, dress nice, be polite. But I think most people just want to be treated like an honest to god person.

The final piece of advice. The term "femdom" is a bit foreign to some women. And the fact a lot of media portrays it at this very hardcore, latex clad, whip wielding. I think a lot more women are happy to be dominant than many people realize, you just need to create a bit of space for it. My partner wasn't overly familiar with BDSM terms and still isn't exactly. But we do some pretty hardcore kink at times. Largely because she's open minded sexually, emotionally, politically, spiritually, etc. I often thing adventurous open people often make great partners, because "Femdom" may be foreign, but if you actually describe a FLR relationship structure they're totally cool with it.

Really the majority of my advice is always "ignore the kink" and just be a great well rounded person that people want to date. And I think the kink happens pretty naturally. Good communication, good boundaries, good emotional intelligence, good behaviour/personhood work the same for vanilla and femdom

Again:

I think all businesses appreciate more traffic that results in business. So one is going to dislike recommendations / free advertising / good reviews. I just don't think they typically every view it as "a person" spreading their name/content. They just view it as "total traffic".

So again my answer is I think most content creators appreciate word of mouth. They just don't care you as an individual spread it via word of mouth. Nor are they super emotionally involved in "my works is appreciated". They care about "my work as a job that pays"

Again there's obviously balance here. People who work for corporations take pride in their work. They can like their coworkers. They can find value in what they do through the work itself. Content creators obviously can have an artistic side, a sex positive side, enjoy the actual femdom itself. But again I think those typically fall second fiddle to the fact it is "work".

If there's sort of a natural opportunity to share their work. Great. But I just wouldn't worry about "spreading the good word of jesus through missionary work" type of spreading that this post seems to bordering on. I just think most content creators really care on that microlevel.

I think many content creators understand that "selling content" at the day is similar to "selling paperclips". It's a business, and they're not overly emotional about it.

If you buy a really nice pen. Sure the company likes when you share about it. And yes the company would prefer you not take their design to China, and mass manufacture it, and sell it using their photos/content. But they also don't really care how much word of mouth traffic you get. They just aren't invested in you as an individual. They're interested in the "market" as a whole.

Now I think content creators certainly play off of parasocial relationships, and that selling sexual content has a bit of a hook that's adjacent to "the girlfriend experience". So there's a bit more of "you as a person" but that's really because that sells better / markets better / leads to more subscriptions.

Most content creators have very strong boundaries, that there is "work" and there is "my emotional life" and they don't cross them. So they don't appreciate "you" spreading their work. They simply appreciate that their work was spread and the business is doing well.

I think in general you're overthinking this a bit. I would think of content creators more like "Walmart" and less like "an individual person". Because generally they're doing it for work. They're doing it to pay a mortgage, feed their kids, and just live life. That doesn't mean they can never appreciate individuals. The dude who owns your corner store might actually like when you come in every day and ask about his kids. But the flip side is he isn't actually going to change his business over that. Content creators can certainly appreciate people. But they are first and foremost a professional business oriented perspective in the majority of cases.

There is a difference between consensual submission, and subjugation.

If you're submitting. And you're being communicative. You're having boundaries. You're using a safeword. You're planning and writing scenes. You're budgeting for gear. You're putting in time and effort and building a wonderful relationship, how is that weak?

If you're debriefing after a scene. If you're telling a partner they can't do that again. If you're dumping a partner because they crossed a boundary. If you're cleaning your leather gear, getting tested, reading books on BDSM, and attending classes. How is that weak?

Submission is a consenting action, where both people are just in charge.

You can simultaneously dislike subjugation / weakness / people being walked over. While still wanting to "submit" with the understanding those two aren't the same. In the same way you understand getting stabbed with a knife by a stranger in a back alley is wrong, yet getting cut into with a scalpel for an appendectomy is wonderful modern medicine. Just because we use the same word, doesn't actually mean they are the same.

Generally:

• Ideally find a licensed kink friendly / sex friendly therapist. And work through the shame with them
  • If this isn't an option, there are free online workbooks, that are evidence based that can help you work through processing your shame
• There are some great podcasts out there by professionals that can also be helpful. My wife quite liked Brene Brown's books/podcasts on vulnerability
• Once you start getting sexual with a partner. Trying out very small things, and realizing there is still trust/love helps. Getting good feedback from a partner helps
• It sounds like you need to actively remove a belief system. I'm not sure if you have a religious background, or if this was societally taught. But you do actually need to invent / believe in a framework/philosophy/ideology more than your sexual guilt one. This isn't easy, but actually write out / think / create a value system
• You can't think away shame. You need to feel the shame, but let it pass. Check out DBT (dialectic behavioural therapy) with a focus on mindfulness/meditation. These focus on emotional regulation and feelings emotions, but then letting them pass. We don't "Get rid of shame". We accept our shame and don't let it control our lives.

The biggest driver for muscle growth is going close to failure. Technically 1 rep in reserve is basically identical to going to failure. The number of reps you do isn't that important. 5reps to 20 reps, done till failure all result in the same growth. Personally I'm lazy and don't want to rep out 20 times, so the majority of my lifts are 6-8 reps.

Lifting until the weight feels extremely heavy, your reps start to look a little different, your technique just barely starts to erode is the most important aspect.

Every set (at working weight) after the first one has some degree of diminishing returns. So I generally do 1 warmup set (50% working weight), and then 2 working sets till failure. On bigger compound lifts like squats there's a couple warmup sets just to get to the working wight. So it's a bit more like "bar" "1 plate" "2 plate" then "working weight"

So, yes. Every exercise I take till failure. Generally 8 reps, and 2 works sets.