u/CoogerMellencamp

I would venture a guess that you may be hypervigelent. Just a guess. Your activation is so high that your mind just snapped out of it early. I use IN, but if I'm in a heavy dissociation and/or hypervigelence before I start it takes a huge dose to "get through" and it doesn't last that long. Maybe 30 minutes instead of 45.

This is a big one. I was someone who never expected to get what I deserve as a human being. I took the scraps. So, everyone around me, family, everyone had me firmly in that role. They didn't need to show me any consideration because I never expected it. Of course "normal people" are largely flat out ego centered. Everything is about them. They don't listen. They ramble on in a monologue. Can't get a word in, or express myself. Noone actually knows me. Even my wife who I have know for decades. I have had to keep my suffering to myself. They're going to know me now. That's non negotiable. If they don't want to, then they get nothing. I don't care who they are.

That's over. I'm not suffering. I'm content. I'm getting better. I'm not suicidal. It's a work in progress but I am way different than I was a month ago when I started. It's hard to believe what I tolerated.

Hey there. I can totally relate to the very challenging lability between sessions. Feeling great, high almost, clear, then exhausted, cryig at times. Dark. It can get a bit scary. I finished a couple of years of EMDR for CPTSD. I got in touch with feelings that I didn't have due to dissociation as a childhood coping mechanism. I got to know my subconscious terrain but the networks were still firing. Hence ketamine. I agree that this is no joke. I suffered intense emotional pain in EMDR. This is very different. It appears I still need to "participate." Not nearly as much as with EMDR. Meditation has been helpful. Getting outside. Sunlight in the early morning. Healthy things. Stopped drinking and vaping. This is even more bizarre then EMDR was. Good luck. You got this. ✌️

That experience of assertiveness and a new found self respect is your new self. I was in EMDR for two years, out now for one, and my self respect, self esteem, positive sense of agency and personal power has grown. Matured as well. And guess what? Those who were only interested in controlling you will not get the memo. Ever. That you is over. Gone. Doesn't work here anymore.

We all have been taken advantage of because of our old unmet needs and what we sacrificed for a crumb of acceptance. It's awesome you are seeing it so soon. Forward! ✌️

Thanks, but that advice doesn't seem to fit for me. 

Hey Leyla! I hope things are going well for you. As you may be familiar with me, I have many insights and I ascribe many meanings and interpretations to these inner workings. The breakthroughs. Tons of "conclusions" and adaptations to my meditation. There have been many perspective changes in my meditation. Concepts and approaches to my inner child. Many experiences and changes there. 

Here's the current picture. This isn't an insight, or new concept, as much as it's a reality punch in the mouth. These concepts and interpretations of what is going on, what it means, all of the mental gymnastics are dissociation. Keeping me from feeling what I actually am feeling. I've been doing it since childhood. I'm facing it now.

What this may be about is that I needed to let it all go. I'm being forced to now. In a way. I can't go back. Inner child concepts - done. Anything from the "past" is done. It's the present. That's all there is. What pain I experience is current. Where it comes from is a non issue. I have pain. I feel it. I allow it. No mental analysis. I'm exposed. It's hard. It's just feeling. That's all that is real. A hard dose of reality. I'm having trouble. 

The EMDR insights were for that time. It was what I could do then. Those are gone now. It's sad because I can look back and see how deep my pain was, and the totality of myself. My brokenness. 

I have an appointment for esketamine today. Treatment for my brain. We'll see. ✌️🤗

Hey there. Your insights and observations are spot on.

I recently had a memory come back of what I felt like, almost a third person visual of my body as well as my internal experience of my reaction, as a child, after being insulted and criticized by my mother. How I “dealt with” the intense feelings immediately after the insult. Which were, of course, repeated and based in pure evil. First off I didn’t want her to see how disregulated I was. Hiding it as best I could by withdrawing, physically, from her proximity. So she couldn’t see my face. That was an early memory of my development of my dissociation “skills.” That was a key somatic and visual memory for me to have at this time. That is a bit of a side note to this topic.

The intellectualization is your point. This does not “give up” or significantly change, in my experience, for quite some time. It’s very sad. It’s sad because those early cognitive coping mechanisms, that intellectualization, we were forced to adopt while those capacities were just developing. Our brains developed “around” these traumatic experiences. Hence became foundational. From my experience, these patterns of thinking and feeling are extremely difficult to change without some major changes in brain plasticity.

I had massively deep emotional experiences in EMDR. Certainly bottom up. Bypassing frontal lobe processing, reaching amygdala and other primordial and primitive areas of the brain. That didn’t, and in my experience, doesn’t fundamentally change how the developmentally influenced intellectual processes operate. The EMDR therapy experience is felt and highly intellectualized as well. We need the intellect. It’s the CPU. But it’s a double edged sword.

So, the dissociation continues. Disguised as intellectualization. Just as it always was. Different for sure. Possibly much less in many typical trigger situations. It’s very difficult to fully “give it up.” The circuits were put into place as our child brains were developing. As adults we are not in contact with the child brain. We grew out of it. Both neurologically and more importantly, conceptually. I’m still struggling with this. I’m sick and tired of the intellectualization. Going from one “breakthrough” to another. Too many to count. I’m embarking on something radically different. I’m not going to share it just yet because the proof is in the pudding. I’m not a happy camper. This has to change. I feel like I’m finally prepared to give up the intellectual whitewashing. I have to. ✌️

I don't get it?

This post is occupying the banner position on the site and I see why! Wow. Comprehensive and brutally honest. Well done. This is certainly a reference for everyone to reflect on from time to time. 

I would add one more bullet point. "You're doing it right!" 

The incredible difficulty of this path is made even worse by the phenomena of getting lost in the trauma pain du jour. Every single time I hit a "big one" and release the kraken I get completely lost in it. 

I'm finished with EMDR after a couple of years and I still encounter many trauma challenges. It's CPTSD. Not like before when I was doing EMDR. But I still get "lost" in it. Tunnel vision. Everything looks hopeless. I have experienced this countless times. I will say that now I get perspective pretty quickly. Usually in a day or so. 

What this experience feels like is that you haven't made any progress. This is TOTALLY untrue. It's the illusion that piggy backs on the pain. We are in a battle for the truth. Keep that in mind. ✌️🤗

Hey there. I know I'm a guy but I'm a fawn type. That's a pretty deeply ingrained pattern in my experience. Basically the path to freedom starts with self love. Self compassion. Gaining what is called "agency." A confident sense of self. 

How does that work? Facing and experienceing our pain and fear. That's what EMDR/BLS breaks open. Pain leads to self love and self compassion. We learn. We learn through our emotions. Learn the truth of who we are. Not the lies. Targeting our false core beliefs. This happens with our targeted memory sessions. In time. Quite a bit of time. It's nothing though. Two or three years is light speed. What would take 20 years in talk therapy. 

It's not exactly anger, specifically or necessarily, that surfaces. It's complex. There's no blueprint. Just do it. Good luck. ✌️

I would suggest laying down frequently during the day, if you can, and focus on observing and relaxing. Quieting thoughts so that you can just feel. Again, observe. That takes practice. Good luck! ✌️

The good doctor definitely did not use AI for this wonderful sharing of their personal clinical experiences and challenges with trauma patients. The good doctor cares. AI doesn't. 

The points expressed may appear kind of obvious, so that's the clue that it's definitely not AI. This subreddit has been, and continues to be used, predominantly, by people in the beginning stages of EMDR and trauma work. Many are not aware of the points and observations being made here. It's all good. 

I personally have used and continue to use AI as a mirror and platform to verbalize what may be considered as "advanced" challenges that are quite obtuse for the general therapeutic community. That's no replacement for the human touch. That's the caring. That's why we share on r/EMDR and engage in personal individual therapy. It's all good! Onward! ✌️

That is so awesome! Really. The breakthroughs are really amazing. Almost magical sometimes. Do take it in and feel it. Make a mental note of it and journal it. 

You will most likely lose that memory when things get rough again. Doubting it. Doubting that it was real. That's completely normal. These breakthroughs are real. They indicate a permanent change from my experience. I have had numerous breakthroughs. Each different. In CPTSD there are connections. So, it's not over until the fat lady sings. 

You're so amazing! Reaching a summit. But the oxygen there can't sustain you. You have other peaks to climb! Keep it up! ✌️🤗

Hey there. No issues. We process. I used r/EMDR as a journal. For over two years. It was so helpful. 

The "in between" places. They can be lonely. Empty. Sad. Strangely quiet. But you don't trust it. Exactly. It's a recharge. Regroup. It's surprisingly empty. You'll get used to those. Of course there is more. In its own time. We don't control this. It has its own schedule. All mapped out. We just ride it. Feel it. Rest when we rest. Feel when we feel. Rinse and repeat. It's that simple. We can attempt to structure the whole process into a business plan but that never works. In its own time. Be watchful. Be courageous. Be caring to yourself. Dare I say loving to yourself. That's the key that opens the lock. You're doing it. You are very courageous for doing this. Very few people do. ✌️

Thanks for sharing this painful and difficult experience.

The dismantling of our fronts, our disingenuous presentation of our self, on and on, takes quite a bit of time. It's very hard to face the truths that are contained in the process of feeling. Truely feeling. Like you expressed. You are absolutely doing this right. 

As far as the disruption to your life, that will take time to settle down as well. I finished EMDR, but hard work continues. Not like it was when I was in EMDR. That was scorched earth demolition. I did take two several months breaks during the 2.5 year engagement with in person weekly therapy. I would encourage you to take one if you haven't already. It's a marathon. Use talk therapy as well. Lots of it. That gives time for reprocessing. 

Everything you report is extremely common here. As with myself included. Great inner child work! You're doing this. Go slow. Be caring to yourself. As you are already doing. Again, fantastic work!✌️

Great question. There is no "back sliding." I'm done with EMDR, 2+ years of EMDR. This phenomena of thinking and feeling that "I haven't accomplished a thing" come up over and over. It's illusion. This path is very devious. There is an energy in the "old ways" that doesn't give up easily. Old networks. At 3 years since I started therapy I still have them. Complete darkness. Can't see out. This too will pass. Keep it up, be brave. You got this and you will win. Truth is on your side. Error will be defeated. ✌️🤗💜

Many of us have no memory of an SA incident. I don't have specific memory, but all the data points to something. I was able to find another memory that I felt was charged with that SA fear and violation. It took an extended period of time to get more information that confirmed my suspicion. Those things can take time. They are also tied to many other issues and false beliefs etc. Dont get to hung up about it. It gets done. Chew around the edges for a bit. Fear is a good target if you can find it. A memory that contains fear. Good luck. ✌️

I'm sorry to hear that Belgian. I didn't know that. Yes get out. I wish you strength with that. Cut your losses. Much love to you as well. I'm sure you need that. ✌️💜🤗

Hey guys. You're doing super hard work here. In the thick of it. In the laboratory of life. We can do EMDR/BLS in the controlled environment of the therapists office. That's just the start. Where the rubber meets the road is how this work manifests in our lives. How it plays out. Put to the test. 

Consider this. This battle is not about what's going on "out there." It's about inside. Your child self. Unmet childhood needs. We need to go inside. Ask the right questions. Feel the feelings. Learn. The outside provides the friction. The pain inside is the target. 

This is really hard. This takes a long time to really get to the other side of it where we at least can percive the dynamics. Objectivity. Consistently. The forest for the tree. You can't see the forest now because you're bushwhacking your way through the underbrush. That's ok. The relationship dynamics is the underbrush. We have to do it. 

Don't miss those opportunities to find compassion for your child self. That's the entire "purpose" of this experience. This exercise. Find that child. Find that rest. Find the compassion. You're doing great!✌️

Thank you!💜

Definitely take a break. I took two. Several months each. You need to recharge. That takes time. 20 days is not enough. Good luck!✌️

Warning: Talk about SI Thank you for sharing your pain. I relate to quite a bit of that. 

I had no concentration when I was young. Due to being dissociated. I had to do that. My parents were treating me in a narcissistic sort of way. That made it very difficult to read, or to learn spelling. I was sent to tutors for help. That didn't  help. I had zero sense of self. I was unmoored. I had no friends to speak of. I was almost completely dissociated. Completely isolated. I still am today, to some extent. I have done well despite it. Decades later. 

I am communicating with a woman who I met here. By text and phone. We share many traumatic things. I am currently dealing with a flashback of my mother criticising me. That slammed be back into dissociation. I hadn't really dissociated in months. I have been sharing that with her. What was interesting is that we often share our feelings of SI. I have much less SI now. It comes up only occasionally. I have had the feeling and opinion, for some decades, that I genuinely wish I hadn't been born. I told her that perspective yesterday. She didn't feel that way. That was surprising. I thought for sure she would have had that perspective at some point. She even had a suicide attempt some years ago. I have never done that. 

So yes, there is all this damage in our lives. We all have our unique story, but the trauma is the same. I've made some great progress for sure. It's a very long road toward getting well. I've resigned myself that it's lifelong. I'm getting tired of the continued issues that I face based on past trauma. I'm totally alone with it. There is so much that has happened through EMDR that I need to start back up with my old therapist. She knows everything. I'm in the process of doing that. I try to stand up and just be in life like "normal" people. That looks far away right now. But that will change. ✌️💜

Hey again. I noticed you saying that when you look in the mirror you said "I hate myself." That's a good clue. Meditate on that feeling that comes up when or just before the thought "I hate myself" sub verbalizes. This is a core belief moment. A big one. That's why you are dissociated. It's close. The pain is getting close. This is good. Take that "space" to your next session. It's not a certain memory. In meditation you may get a vague image. A darkness. Also, yes, tald to your doctor an antidepressants. I'm a psych RN. I'm qualified to recommend that, as well as from my own experience. I'm on two antidepressants. Even after I finished EMDR. Good luck! ✌️🤗

Hello. I highly doubt you will see this phenomena talked about anywhere among those engaged in EMDR or anywhere else. It's my experience. I always post based on my experience. Try it. If it works good. You've got nothing to lose. IMO.✌️