u/Possible-Ask-1905

Following. Newer player too. Always talking about switching the comp too.

I asked this question a few weeks back and the mods said, "this topic is addressed in our FAQ," however, I'm not finding what I need there. I will try to ask a different way so it's more productive:

My husband (together 15 years, n dx) might take the step to get evaluated.

I myself was evaluated back in 2022. I recall very little time with the clinician, a survey I filled out, my husband filled out and my mom filled out. No evidence.

I am reading the book by Gina Pera, "Is It You, Me, Or Adult ADD?" and am reading page after page of relating to certain behaviors. I've reviewed some of the ADHD surveys that you can see online and they seem familiar to what I took. I don't see many of them addressing some of the potential symptoms that Pera mentions in her book. They seem to focus on the hyperactivity part (more common for children) where Pera's book focuses on on the impulse control issue that seems to be more common for adults.

My husband:

- Will ask questions of me and then immediately walk away.

- Only seems happy when he's spending money or planning for things that cost lots of money (house projects, vacations, cars) and when those are absent he feels down and out and poor.

- Can ramble on about things that he's interested and excited about for hours and then immediately lose focus when I start talking.

- Interrupts me all the time. All. The. Time.

- Is quick to anger, frustration and annoyance.

- Is an aggressive driver, tailgates and is frustrated with all other drivers.

- Can get hyper focused on activities that interest him like cleaning, LEGOS, or organizing spaces.

- Is what I consider low empathy: can't relate to how I feel, never know what to say, has trouble seeing my point of view whether if it's about a problem at work or how to arrange a piece of furniture.

I am sure I can go on, but I don't see how one of these ADHD surveys in a clinic can capture these issues when Pera's book keeps pointing them out as common sigs of ADHD. I'm not trying to diagnose myself or convince a professional of a diagnosis, but I am trying to make sure we find an evaluation that will consider what Pera's book talks about and, as folks have suggested here, other neurodivergences.

Yeah stag and vixen I think are the pair? I dunno. I think, to answer your question in your original post, the humiliation of course doesn’t have to be part of it (I am the same way).

For the purposes of finding people (a bull) you might need to be very clear about that. “Cuck” on an app will resonate with more people versus “stag” but it might attract bulls who are into the humiliation piece as well.

I think you’re a pimp and a voyeur more than a cuck. Just labels with their own spectrums though. It’s what you want it to be. Thats the great part about sexuality and consent!

I reckon we put labels on it so we can try to match with people with similar interests but even if the labels match the approach or activities still may not align. So you still have to feel it out despite the labels match.

Not just your scales but your major and minor blues forms - they are a bit different. I get so annoyed when horn players says “it’s just a blues” when blues has so many permutations.

I always was frustrated with lines in the center. The random spacing really baffles me. Moving from the corner is always frustrating because people don’t keep similar orders and groups. They also don’t know how to count and wait until the teacher brings them in. Every. Time. They will also be next in line and simply not go because they are too scared. No one ever wants to go first. Final gripe, as a gentleman in ballet I was always taught to be in the back line to start or always be at the end of the line moving across the flood (ladies first). I’ve gotten frustrated with ladies not understanding that I’m following etiquette so at a certain point I just go first since the teacher won’t explain.

I am nearly in tears because it’s all finally making a lot of sense.

I am trying not to jump to conclusions because I don’t want to work on getting diagnosis for him only for them to find no evidence.

Thank you! I just said that so the moderators didn’t delete my post. I am honestly looking for validation that this may be what’s going on.

Thanks for that perspective about helps me feel more hopeful that with some understanding we may be able to help ourselves.

And thank you for sharing your experience with these struggles. This has been really helpful. We leave for vacation tomorrow and I think some of this can help just ground and calm me.

Differentiation sounds familiar and important - yes I spend a lot of time worrying about stuff I think "WE" should care about because we're "we" and not two "I's" but the fact is that we are "we", "I" and "him" all at the same time. It all makes sense but I think it leads to a build up of what I've learned is emotional labor (https://www.nytimes.com/article/emotional-labor.html?unlocked\_article\_code=1.8lA.upPf.e2FncjDNokEl&smid=nytcore-ios-share). I hope you can read that article as you might find it interesting but from it:

"The term “emotional labor” refers to the invisible and often undervalued work involved in keeping other people comfortable and happy. Coined by Arlie Russell Hochschild, a sociologist and professor emerita at the University of California, Berkeley."

"In contemporary usage, however, the term is more often used to describe labor that takes place in the domestic sphere, and which is needed to keep a household running smoothly. Initiating difficult conversations, managing children’s schedules, remembering to send birthday and holiday cards to relatives, and asking for help (sometimes repeatedly) emptying the dishwasher: These are all examples of emotional labor, as it is commonly defined today. When one partner is doing more of this work than the other, it can be a surefire path to resentment and discord."

My head is spinning because you only know my situation through two short reddit posts, yet you've hit the nail on the for just about everything. To answer your questions: especially in this last year of therapy I have been very explicit to explain that how his avoidant behavior makes me feel (all the things you mentioned). Our therapist has encouraged me to understand my anxious attachment style to understand what you have suggested.

Yes, not personal. Probably why it's survived so long. He's actually quite forgiving when it gets bad: I just hate that it even gets there. But after 15 years, though not personal, I'm still the punching bag that's always available and I'm wearing thin. Knowing if it's truly ADHD could help me be more forgiving or give me confidence in removing myself from situations where I need to protect myself or just doing things on my own (like training the dog) without feeling like I'm betraying our partnership or teamwork. Right now I keep pressing in thinking "this is what we're supposed to be working on!"

Also, thank you so much for responding and talking it me.

Thank you. You're right, pressing for him to explore this would be further tiring and exhausting for me. I suppose I am hoping our therapist my press him a little to think about it. I know a DX is not a silver bullet, but it might help me cope with some of these patterns if I know if his brain isn't letting him improve. The determination of sticking around or not is scary, terrifying, saddening and brings up a whole other can of worms. I also have to remember I'm not perfect and I have things to work on too but I don't know how much of that is real or the gaslighting.

My partner (NDX) of 15 years and husband of 4 and I have hit a really rough patch. We've been in couples therapy for almost a year, and our therapist has mentioned multiple times that some of his behaviors "almost sound like ADHD."

So much of what I read here feels familiar: interrupting constantly, hyper-focusing on whatever interests him while disengaging from things that are boring or difficult, very low frustration tolerance, quick anger over tiny inconveniences, and struggling to show curiosity or empathy when I'm talking about something important to me. It can all add up to a relationship that feels incredibly self-centered.

The one thing that doesn't fit the stereotype is that he's extremely organized. He's not forgetful or messy at all. He loves things being in their place, does laundry religiously, and can be incredibly focused and productive when he cares about something.

Our therapist's observation is basically: if it's boring or difficult, he checks out. Emotional regulation? Too hard. Finances together? Too boring. Training the dog? Too hard and boring. Organizing something he cares about? He'll focus on it for hours.

I'm not looking for anyone to diagnose him. I'm just exhausted and stuck wondering how much I should push for him to explore ADHD versus accepting that, diagnosis or not, these are relationship patterns that have left me unhappy and feeling unheard.

What a treat to have your response! Thank you!

I we have two big dealers in town and two smaller ones. I was just at both big dealers. One is a Steinway dealer so I played on a few Boston and Essex pianos. I played on a new, Essex upright and I liked the touch and the brightness. I played a few Boston grands but their price points were non starters for me unfortunately. The salesperson was insistent I find a piano that inspires me but that’s still hard to put my finger on right now.

At the other dealer, they deal more in Yahama and I payed a bunch of U series uprights. I also played a YUS upright which was really nice. The price point was at the top of my range but I could see having that piano for many, many years. The salesperson likes and even owns a U1 but I didn’t quite like the sound coming from it. Overall I liked the touch of all then Yahamas.

Overall I could tell pianos I liked and didn’t like but still hard to articulate “why”. The sales people were very understanding that I am taking my time and my goal is to try lots of different pianos.

My current technician encouraged me to steer away from Boston and Essex if I could because they tend to be finicky and cause problems over the years according to other techs he knows. He didn’t say don’t get one, just reporting what he heard. He said if I could find a nice Mason and Hamlin I might be happy.

Unfortunately we don’t have a Kawaii dealer close to us (the Steinway shop used to sell Kawaii but was kinda force to choose to deal Steinway).

Keeping an eye on PianoMart.com but not much going on there in my area. One of the smaller dealers expects to get a bunch of uprights in within the month so that will be my next stop.

So that’s the update for now. I appreciate your enthusiasm and encouragement in my process. I listened to some of your videos and you play beautifully!

I thought Cherokee was a well worn standard that people like because of all the ii-IV-I progressions.

My understanding is that the unspoken rule is to play is as fast as friggin possible even though it was originally quite slow.

I don’t go to that man jams though.

I have a Kawaii GL-10 5” grand that I bought last year from a private sale. I look back and wish I had taken more time to explore, try, test, and get other opinions. The instrument itself I think sounds muddy in the base (should have known with a 5” grand) and there are some clicks and clanks that happen more often than I’d like (still under warranty).

I am thinking of trading in to get a nice upright. I don’t think I could afford a bigger grand and as much as I love a big piano I have to think about the aesthetics of my space so I think a solid upright will get me more sound quality for my dollars and better for my space. I also am not advanced enough, nor do I think I’ll be ever advanced enough to notice the difference in action between a grand and upright. I mainly play jazz piano but was trained classically for 12 years as a kid.

Am I being silly trading in a GL-10 for an upright?

I will also note that I have a really hard time shopping for pianos in general. My sales lady said I should find something that inspires me but that’s too loosey goosey for me to make decisions with. Just starting this process so already overwhelmed.

That’s what I am thinking too but wanted to see what others thought who’ve used it!

Right that’s why I am calling on people who’ve studied the book to confirm: clever example to set the tone (pun intended) early or clumsy example that I might see more of as I continue with the book?

One can assume all the exercises in an ear training book are to help you use your ears better.

The activity clearly states to use the recording so this threw me for a loop.

I don’t take issue with the song or Hendrix and that’s not the point of the conversation. The point is the book use this as an example in chapter one where the chart said E- but because how Hendrix tuned his guitar it sounds like it starts in Eb- in the recording. Kind of an odd example for chapter one of an ear training book.

This odd example makes me question if I should continue studying this particular book.

https://preview.redd.it/cqp1ooazlukh1.jpeg?width=3024&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=98a72244002a0b1f30ce221471a0482fc8ff6644

The CS Osborn tufting needle did the trick!

5:30am wake up with a goal of being out the door at 6am right after I feed the dog (very demanding and discerning basset hound). Lately it’s been more like 6:30 out the door as I doom scroll on my phone to waste time. Ideally home by 7am to walk the dog, have breakfast, shower and be in my office chair by 8am.

I don’t know how I’d do this if I had to commute to an office 😫

I was hoping someone would post this extract post!

Perfect thanks. Yes, I plan on consulting many videos before I go for it. Thank you again.

Yay thank you so much! Should I get a specific thread? Looks like CS Osbourne has some tufting twine as well.