u/felinebeat

Best wishes! Ferrets are such lovely little companions to have and be loved by, especially during the darkest parts of our lives. I don't have any life-threatening issues but as someone with a ferret whose extremely bonded to me specifically, I have similar fears around if I were to suddenly pass. I can only imagine the anguish of having to make concrete plans because those concerns are based in reality. :(

Just know that she wouldn't think you abandoned her. It's obviously best if she gets a chance to see you and say goodbye but she will remember you for how you treated her in life. Yes, she'll grieve your presence but I promise you that she's not going to think you didn't love her, even if she can't go to the funeral home for whatever reason.

What she'll remember and think about is everything you did for her, and the reasons that she was so bonded with you. I know it's still very bittersweet to think about but I don't want you to think she would ever feel betrayed by you. So, that kind of worry should be the least of your concerns as a dedicated ferret owner going through so much. She looks very well-loved.

Okay, Username#29472. I'm not responding to the rest of this because you're months late but... CW are not misogynistic? Tell that to my abusive mom. Victims of abuse can still be abusers.

Edit: I should clarify that she IDENTIFIES as a misogynist.

I was mauled by a cat about a year ago and the doctor explicitly said that bites on my hands and near joints were her biggest concern. You may need antibiotics like I did! In the worst case scenario, you could lose a limb if the infection were to suddenly worsen. I would be skeptical of any cat bites that break more than the top layer of skin. If it turns out to be a false alarm, that's great, but if it isn't, you could dodge a really serious infection.

You should always step off to the side with your dog(s) long before someone passes you. If I have a reactive dog and there's not much space, I will walk up someone's driveway a few feet if that's what it takes to create enough distance. Unless you live in area where people are super aggressive about property, most people would understand you're trying to be respectful.

My go-to moves, depending on the temperament of the dog, are to have the dog work on a snuffle activity while the person passes (break up three soft treats into smaller pieces and scatter them in a small patch of grass or clovers), have the dog sit and focus on me, or have the dog walk in a heel on the opposite side (with you in-between the walker and your dog).

It's a small courtesy to the people trying to walk by, to show them that you're aware not everyone is comfortable around dogs. If they are comfortable with dogs, you're just making it visible that you have your dog(s) under control. Also, as someone else pointed out, people with mobility and medical issues need sidewalks more than a person walking a dog. It's just good practice to assume each person needs you to make that space.

Edit: Also, in general, a dog should be trained to redirect their attention to you when people and dogs pass close by. These situations are also daily learning opportunities to reinforce a dog's lifelong training. I personally keep a small traffic handle lead on me at all times, and if I'm walking an excitable dog past some sort of trigger, I attach the short lead until we're in the clear. The dogs I do this with learn to associate the short lead being clipped on with needing to be mellow as other dogs and people walk by.

Redirection, redirection, redirection. He needs to understand that when he's hyper, it's time to find a toy or other activity to work on. I would try to have a toy nearby in areas you tend to get pounced, and hype him up with that as soon as he starts seeking you out. Never use your hands or any other body parts to encourage play: only things you want him to direct his energy on. If you aren't able to get him to stop going after you, leave the room if you can. Wait a minute or so, then come back in with a toy, and initiate playtime on more mutual terms. Repeat as needed.

I do NOT recommend trying any kind of punishment or consequence. Cats will often interpret defensive human behaviors, such as pushing the cat away, as an invitation to aggressively wrestle you. The only feedback he should get moving forward is through the appropriate tools: toys, puzzles, etc. I would ignore anyone who talks about how these things worked for their cat. Just because it can work doesn't mean that it's the most effective strategy, and worst case, it may only make your specific cat's problems worse.

I also recommend kitty snuffle activities if he's food motivated enough. You can just lay down a blanket and make little folds / texture it, then toss kibble or treats into the little gaps and have him sniff for them. Not all cats are interested but it's something I do with my own "crazy" cat. He knows what's up the moment I start tossing treats and hurries over to start nosing around for his goodies.

Last but not least, if you can get your hands on a pet stroller, I really recommend them for mellowing understimulated cats out. You'll have to work up to actually taking him outdoors with it. Make sure he's comfortable being in it indoors, and once he sees it as a fun place to be, you can use it like a portable catio and slowly take him further and further outdoors.

I've been doing so with my cat for about a year now and whenever he gets really hyper, he specifically asks for stroller time, haha. I don't even need to walk him in it: he prefers to just be left in the backyard while I check in on him through a window. He will eventually let me know when he wants to come back inside, and jumps into my arms excitedly when I open the top. He's not the type of cat to purr a lot but he's always rumbling sooo loud in my ear as I carry him around with me afterwards.

These tips won't change him in one night. It might seem like it's not working but that's because he's young and impulsive, and needs time to build long-term social skills. Consistency is key. It might take a while for him to make the right associations but he will if you don't give up on him! He has the potential to be a polite cat with the right kind of guidance.

Source: I am a pet care professional who specializes in reactive, fearful, and high-energy pets, and works closely with a certified dog trainer. I have repurposed many of the techniques I utilize with dogs to suit cats' unique needs. I run my own business and also represent another business through contract work. I am regularly approved by the owner, a certified trainer, to work with cats we would otherwise reject due to a history of aggression and bite risk.

Why are you getting downvoted? God forbid someone is a careful ferret owner who offers gentle advice.

I admittedly didn't realize Mrs. Meyer's sprays weren't ferret safe. I've seen it marketed as pet safe and hadn't made the connection about essential oils in general because they aren't something I really use. I'm sensitive to fragrances, and knew to avoid using specific scents around my pets, such as lavender. I'm glad you brought this up here!

I thankfully haven't used Mrs. Meyer's in pet specific areas and never leave things like this in my ferret's reach but I doubt there's never any cross contamination though, given it's a spray. So, thank you for helping me make that connection!

Just curious: any cleaning sprays / products that you'd recommend for human surface cleaning around ferrets? I feel like I'm back to square one and would love to know what you use. I get the worst choice paralysis with trying new cleaning products. No pressure though!

Continue to take videos! It's the most important form of documentation you could possibly have to get animal services involved. I've been chased down by aggressive, unleashed big dogs but they won't do shit if you don't have a recording and don't know the address of the owner. They also tend to ask, "Did you tell the owner it's not okay for their big dog to be off leash chasing you down?" like, oh, silly me, I didn't even think to walk towards the snarling dog to talk to the owner! I'll make sure to up my chances of being bit in the future. Great advice.

So, I'm glad you knew where to find the guy and already communicated: consider that checked off. I know it's ridiculous to be expected to hold up your phone towards a dog actively trying to bite you but it will be sooo helpful if you can manage it. Usually they'll just go to the house and "give them a warning" first, so keep recording these situations, even if they tell you they're addressing it. You'll probably need to complain again before there are any actual consequences.

Others have already noted the few things I'd suggest so I just wanted to say your look reminds me of "I Spy" books. Was that intentional? I'm also autistic and LOVED those growing up so I really appreciate your style! Your hair also makes me think of Hatsune Miku.

If I did clock you for reasons I'm not able to perceive here, such as your voice or certain mannerisms, it would be as a trans girl. I think anyone claiming you look like a man is just being rude. Nothing about your visual presentation is masculine or androgynous to me.

Oh, for sure! Everyone pulls out their microscope and fixates on things that the average cis person wouldn't oogle at. It's such an act of bravery to post here, haha. I had to bite my tongue at some of the ways people commented on a post I made here a few years ago. If you're super clocky, like me, so many people here think it's helpful to just respond with the gender they think you are rather than offering details. Like why comment if you're not even going to say why or offer advice? We're not here to play a guessing game. Usually we come here because someone already guessed wrong in person. Kind of pointless to just get a blunt, one sentence remark. Or even worse, say something that just makes fun of someone.

I hope it's clear that the pointers I shared are based on modern conventional beauty standards. The reason these things stand out to me is because you actually are photogenic and you fit most of said beauty standards. I don't think it would stand out as much if you didn't have so many highly passing traits in the way that you do. I can't imagine what it's like to have to deal with this kind of stuff, and I'm sorry to point out something you feel good about! Just wanted to be honest about anything that stood out to me, given people look at our faces more than they ever look at our bodies, etc.

I don't know how to put this in a way that doesn't create insecurity but please know I am not trying to make you feel bad about yourself! I feel like you could relax your face a little more when taking photos. I think the final photo is the most natural expression, and every other photo is a variation of tilting your head and raising your eyebrows. I would recommend trying to break out of the habit just because it has a sort of "artificial" vibe, like a posed doll.

Someone else pointed out the way you're doing your eyebrows and I think the main issue is that they're super dark on top of aforementioned default photo expression accentuating them. I wouldn't say that you don't pass but there's something "clocky" about these things, if that makes sense? Like I'd obviously know you were a woman but I might be able to figure out you were a trans woman because most cis women have just had more time to pin down these subtle details.

All in all, these style-related things are also just something that improves and looks more natural over time. I'm FTM but I had a phase where I used a poorly matched eyebrow pencil to try and make my eyebrows look fuller. I had super bleached hair too so my brows have such a cartoonish look in old photos, haha. I would try a lighter color tone if possible so it doesn't stand out so dramatically against your current hair color. Some people bleach their eyebrows to even out the contrast, if that's just your natural color and there's not much you can do about it with products.

My apologies if any of these guesses are inaccurate! Please feel free to share what exactly you do with your eyebrows and I am happy to adjust suggestions. You can also totally ignore me. None of this pertains to HRT so you can ignore all of this if it's not something you care about. Just wanted to share my perspective on something that's super easy to adjust, and can have such affirming results once you find what works for you.

Last but not least, you seem happy in all of these photos! I hope that's true and life is going well for you. Best wishes!

You genuinely need to get your eyes checked if you think her body looks masculine, let alone "male". Why comment on that just to say it's mostly a dress-up problem? The way she dresses is indistinguishable from most cis women I know, and a lot of them have similar proportions to what we see in these photos. She's just not a hyperfem girly girl wearing a low cut top and skinny jeans. Enjoying more unisex styles doesn't undo your physical traits, it just means certain parts of the female body aren't being accentuated to an extreme.

Did this person get a close look at you? Sometimes if I just glance at people, my brain fills in information, including gender. My brain will decide someone has insert trait but when I actually look at the person, I internally go, "Wait, what?" because often times, said person doesn't look anything like my brain decided they do. I also haven't had that happen with anyone who was trans and clocky, only people who seemed to be cis or were extremely cis passing. It has nothing to do with hearing them speak or gender nonconformity. So, if you haven't been misgendered in 6 years, it's possible that it was just a brain fart like that?

My apologies if this doesn't sound relevant to the situation. If so, I hope the person wasn't just being an asshole or something. Nothing personally stands out to me as clocky in terms of your features, clothing, etc.

I think it is a safe idea to go with the taking a break option! If he is showing signs of disinterest, I would create space in any way you can and see if he naturally focuses somewhere else. If he does like your sister, maybe you could try to get them to connect to see if he moves on without giving you trouble? I totally understand if that would be hard or impossible due to your feelings for him.

I am a 29 year old trans man. As a kid, I was deeply closeted, questioning, and forced to be very feminine in appearance though I struggled to pretend I was a girl and was drowning in dysphoria. In middle school, I ended up in a relationship with a straight dude who only knew me from a distance but asked me to be his girlfriend. I felt guilty rejecting him because he did a "proposal" type gesture in the middle of a mutual class and it would have been incredibly embarrassing for him to be rejected. I was also just lonely and had a curious but complex relationship with (other) boys, and tried to still consider it as something that could be nice. Some of it was.

Long story short, I decided to break up with him over text not long after he began openly questioning if I was gay at school, including in public areas like a quiet library. That was his interpretation of the trans-related behaviors he was observing in me, similar to your situation. My point in saying all of this: you are in a much more unsafe situation than I ever was then, and people have a much higher awareness of trans people nowadays. He will likely catch on at some point if you try to forcibly continue to date him, if he hasn't already, and I worry that he will become even more motivated to out you if you don't break up with him. I think your safest bet is to work up to a break, then a breakup, and coming up with a fake/unrelated explanation as for why you don't want to be with him.

Last note: studying alongside said "ex-boyfriend" in school wasn't fun but being stuck in that initial situation was so much worse. Although you have to be around him, I think you will also continue to find allies along the way. Start small but please get away from this dude and hold out hope that you will find ways to connect with people who truly support and love you. I'm sorry this is all so hard.

Quick question: does your partner only want to go by they/them? If so, cool. If your partner identifies explicitly with womanhood and wants she/her, you need to make the switch instead of referring to your partner as a middle ground. I understand this was sudden but if they/them isn't explicitly what your partner wants, that's a pretty huge misstep on your end. I may have missed another reply clarifying this so disregard if irrelevant. I'll use she for the remainder of my post but I will edit if it turns out your partner only wants they/them and neutral terminology.

Transition is always a big shift for any relationship dynamic. A partner being bisexual honestly means nothing, especially since a lot of people have different tastes depending on a person's gender. Even if you don't, transition is always a change. My own partner is transfem and we were dating for about four years, and engaged for the last year, before she came to terms with the fact she wasn't a cis man. We went from a gay-identifying relationship dynamic to a more straight-aligned relationship dynamic. Like in your situation, sex and other parts of our relationship changed drastically at the point that my partner realized her needs.

We've had some extremely long dry spells. She doesn't feel the need to hide away mid-initiation but she began to masturbate in private after years of being the one who initiated sex. The kicker is that I'm trans myself, and have also helped loads of friends and acquaintances discover and explore their trans identity. I am the one who came out early at 14 years old. So, regardless of if you're cis or trans yourself, there is always going to be an adjustment period where you need to re-explore compatibility, as well as your interpretation of her prior to coming out.

Most importantly, don't do anything that you're not comfortable doing for the sake of affirming her: that will break her trust in the long run and isn't healthy for you either. The same goes for her. You have to be able to tell each other exactly what you're open to exploring and the things that you're not ever going to want to do. Give her the confidence to check in mid-sex if she's suddenly feeling dysphoric but explicitly go over do's and dont's before anything gets going. A good discussion could help to prevent this awkward fumbly stage from continuing. It's a lot of pressure to try and have these conversations when you're already in the moment.

My partner and I have also had issues on my end because I don't like when there's a ton of focus and caution towards my own body. It's entirely possible that you completely changing how you interact with her genitals, in the case that she didn't explicitly ask for it, might be the thing putting her off. It's possible that she does want to change up everything, like you mentioned with the kissing. It's equally possible that your partner is comfortable with some things being the way they were before. For me personally, I lose all interest when I can tell that a partner doesn't know what to do and there's no natural momentum. That's when I would feel greatly motivated to start doing things on my own.

In the case that she wants to change everything: are you okay with that? If she is now interested in being solely submissive (just an example, she may have already been), or if she doesn't want to have penetrative sex again, or if she wants you to penetrate her: are those examples the type of sex you would want to have regularly? If either, or both, of you are not eager to compromise to explore these shifting desires and dynamics, I really don't think the relationship is worth pursuing further.

In general, you have to come to terms that you'll need to be able to fully love your partner as a woman. If you can't do that, you need to tell her as soon as possible that you're not the one for her. It's normal to privately grieve the previous state of your relationship but moving forward should not revolve around just loving her as a person, or loving her personality. If she goes on HRT or pursues surgeries down the road, you would need to completely adjust to a new physical reality. If the possiblity that she could become indistinguishable from a cis woman is something you aren't comfortable with: please break up. She needs a partner who will be eager to be with her regardless of how she pursues transition, and where she is in her transition.

I think that's probably the reason!

That said, if you'd like a small piece of styling advice, I highly recommend one of these options: getting into earrings, letting some loose hair down in front of your ears, or allowing your pulled back hair to fall slightly or fully over the ears rather than tucking it behind them. All of those things combined works great too.

It doesn't stand out much on you but I've noticed fully exposed ears can have a masculinizing effect on an otherwise feminine woman. It can definitely be more blatant and what you're currently doing with it works fine. I just think obscuring your ears slightly with hair can help give that area a more overtly feminine look, and frames the face differently too. There is nothing wrong with how you currently style your hair, but it's such a simple and easy thing that I think could add a whole new dimension to your look.

Edit: For more of a visual, I'd look up "women's up do" and note the different ways hair is styled around the ears. You'll also find plenty of examples who style just like you do so again, please don't take this to heart if you aren't interested in changing how you style your hair!

Visually, you pass as a cis woman pretty thoroughly. Is it possibly voice-related? I would say my voice is a huge part of how I blend in with cis people but if I let my guard down at all, occasionally someone will pick up on something subtle in my voice, and I get clocked immediately, even if I pass 99.99% of the time.

Also, just in my experience, passing as trans doesn't help people call you the right pronouns. I've had quite a few "highly supportive" cis people start slipping up or switch to using they/them for me when they realize I'm not cis. So, you probably are passing as cis when people do correctly gender you as female. Maybe some people clock you and continue to use the right pronouns, but I don't think a majority of people know how to act natural after they clock someone. It obviously depends on where you live though.

You're not broken, and you're not masculine. However, everything else you're saying there is the trauma I am describing. The trauma of repression, missed opportunities, lost youth, violence, etc. You need to acknowledge that as something that you can, and must, learn to process in healthier ways. I too mourn never being able to grow up in the way I should have, and I think I'll be mourning that my entire life. You can live alongside the grief of lost youth, while seeking the resources available to help you accept your life now, as a mature adult.

Please reread all of what I've said, and what others have said here. This is going to kill you. I know you know that. I agree with the sentiment that you are being reborn. Treat yourself as a newborn. Reraise yourself, and teach yourself, with all the knowledge you have now. You need to build yourself back up again, and this chapter of your life is only just beginning.

More than anything else, I think you need more IRL connections and support, especially from other trans women who won't affirm the image you see in the mirror, warped by dysphoria and dysmorphia. The more you fill your brain with anything other than your current fixations, the more you'll thrive. Make expressive art about your experience. Everytime you make a negative statement about yourself in your head, such as being "broken", think of something you like about yourself, such as your ability to push through. Don't fear connecting with other women, trans and cis alike, because of these feelings of inadequacy. Stop insulting yourself.

I understand how hard all of this is to absorb. You are in a crisis state. Please know that most of these thoughts spiraling in your head are part of your suicidal ideation. You came here because you knew deep in your heart that desperately need help. All of what everyone is telling you is real. I am a real person, giving you real advice, because I believe you have the capability to pick yourself back up off the ground, despite everything you've been through.

Don't allow your brain to tell you what everyone has said here are lies or that we just don't understand. You are in a downwards spiral and the first step out of that is to ask for help. The second step you need to do is accept the help and support you're being given, even if it doesn't feel anyone else understands because we're not agreeing with you.

Edit: I have avoided commenting on your appearance just because I don't think you should focus on it but I want you to know that you look like you could be from my father's side. All of the women have your same facial features. They are very tall, and their features match their build: large hands with long fingers, large feet, spindly arms with a wide armspan. I read some of your previous posts and you anguish over the same things that you easily could have inherited from the countless generations of women in your family. There are so many traits that are labeled masculine and feminine that are completely within the range of normal human features and genetic expression.

I think you're quite beautiful but you're probably perceiving genetic traits you inherited as being masculine. I promise you they aren't, especially since you've tweaked so many through medical procedures. Your face is feminized but you're still you, and it probably scares you that you don't look like a different person. You are supposed to look like you, and you need to slowly learn how to stop viewing you and your traits as masculine. It's completely normal that we get used to seeing ourselves as the incorrect self that we were forced to live as. If you focus as much as you can on affirmation and healing, you can rediscover yourself, and your traits, the way everyone else here sees you.

I just want to say that I'm so sorry life has been unkind to you.

Everyone here is telling you that you don't look awful and masculine. My point was that if you spent your whole life completely miserable and hopeless due to untreated dysphoria, it's going to take a bit longer than 6 years for your brain to adjust to any attempts to shift away from that experience. I know it seems like everything should have changed by now, and that it's a sign you're doomed that it hasn't, but the longer you've been depressed, the longer it's going to take to heal. You're right that a lot of changes don't come easy, even if you aren't older, so you need to give yourself and your body some grace.

It is especially important to take time to breathe and try to distract your mind if you experienced botched surgeries. You've clearly experienced a great deal of medical trauma on top of everything else. I think you need to focus on that a little more, rather than allowing yourself to blame yourself or your body. You need to treat these concerns for what they are: depression, grief, trauma, and dysmorphia (on top of dysphoria).

Also, please consider that you could be aging because you're 41 years old and any 41 year old woman sees some sort of change during this phase of life. Aging can also be accelerated due to intense stress. I don't think you should expect your figure and transition to make you look like a 20 or 30 year old. I understand how hard it is to unpack expectations and accept yourself as you are. However, it's clear to many others and I that that's what you need above all else.

This isn't something unique to being a trans woman either: almost all women I know struggle, to varying degrees, to adjust to turning 40+. You're experiencing those same struggles on top of all of the things I mentioned above. The reason that I say this is because almost all the cis women in my family hit 40 and become irrationally scared of looking bad and "masculine" due to aging and bodily changes.

I know a lot of cis women in their 40's who started growing thicker facial hair and meticulously pluck all the hairs that pop up on their face while putting themselves down for having a "moustache". Many more are obsessive about their figure, and the natural sagging that comes with age, and aggressively diet to "be healthy" and "fix" their body. My mom is 60 and I've seen her fixate on these things my entire life but it ramped up to an extreme degree at the age you're currently at.

I say this because it's important to put into perspective that you probably would have struggled with some of these concerns even if you hadn't been born into a body that needs medical intervention. There are support groups, and resources, out there that can help you come to terms, and begin to love, this stage of life. It's so crucial that you seek outside help. I'm sure there are some cost-free options out there for finding both community and mental health support too.

You look like a woman who feels depressed and hopeless, and I mean that in the kindest way possible. People don't tend to love how they look, especially their own face, when all their confidence is gone. You pass as a woman. You just don't look like your happiest self. People tend to have the worst self esteem (and in our case, dysphoria too) when they feel shitty. Debt is exhausting, for example. I can see why you'd be stressed in the aftermath of getting everything done that you planned to do.

It can take a while to settle into the "new you", especially after you've experienced different medical treatments. Right now, you're probably just not used to perceiving the results of all of the work you've put in and your brain could be freaking out during this adjustment period. I know it feels like you've been waiting forever but five years is a really short span of time to be on HRT. I know how hard it is waiting for long term results, and how it feels like it's dragging on when you're actively going through that misery.

Think of how long puberty is supposed to take for cis people, and how cis kids often get insecure during that phase, despite those changes being what's right for them in the long run. We have to go through the same shit, expecting it to be wonderful because we've waited so long, but we have to pay for it, experience social push-back, whilst having to function as working adults in society. As much as transition changes our lives for the better, I think it's rare that transitioning immediately eleviates dysphoria, even in the immediate years following.

I also think that a lot of the time, our brain becomes so accustomed to experiencing dysphoria that it continues to compulsively search for things that are wrong. Please try your best to fight back against the urge to trust your brain when your brain is still in the process of healing from all of that trauma. I promise your brain will heal and properly recognize the changes if you are mindful and make a habit of questioning it. You shouldn't always rationalize your brain's reaction.

Please live on. You haven't met yourself yet. There is a future you waiting for you.

Of course! :)

I would call the vet and ask for advice! It doesn't look extremely inflamed so I'm guessing you'll just need to monitor it for now. Always keep the vet informed of these things, even if they seem small! They can help over the phone.

It's a flank spay. You're probably used to seeing midline spays.

There are different methods to perform a spay: midline or flank.

One time my ferret ate multiple Thin Mints that my ex had left between the wall and mattress. Emphasis on ex, haha. Thankfully, the pack was already nearly empty but it was a nightmare when I first discovered the wrapper and didn't know how many he'd eaten. My ferret was incredibly pleased with himself and no issues arose from his naughty snack. It's such a relief when these scenarios go as well as they possibly could! I'm glad your ferret was able to stomach it.

Also, good luck trying to eat chicken nuggets in peace moving forward! You know he'll be chasing that high for the rest of his life, haha.

Rewarding them with a treat for coming to their name can be helpful! I also call mine if I'm going to feed them a special meal, rather than going and getting them. It helps to reinforce that good things come when their names are called, or if someone yells "feeerretssss!" So, mine have a pretty solid recall and I can even redirect them from getting into things from a distance. We've been going to the vet a lot recently and I love being able to just call my ferret's name when she tries to bust into the exam room trash, haha. I've only had to get up and move her once, probably because she smelled something extra interesting.

They're both 5+ years old though so they don't get into those full throttle go-go-go moods like they did when they were younger. Ferrets that are in a hyperactive and mischievous moods aren't going to always be consistent, even with training, haha. So, they don't hate you! They're just curious little critters with short attention spans, and you probably provide them an interesting environment to explore. :P