u/gppink

I am so sorry you're going through this. I'm there with you. A few things that help me through the period where I am just trying to stay under threshold and rest my senses/overstimulation:

1. Brainstorming a practical plan to get help with kids - do you have a neighborhood park or space where you can safely spend time with kids but also have a chance to rest your brain? I find it helps to go where there are other trustworthy parents. I can zone out or scroll phone or read book and I am there in case I'm needed but I try to trust other adults supervision of playground.
2. I would use screens and TV to your advantage. Turn on a movie for the kids and also put on your own headphones so you can watch your show on your phone and rest.
3. Ask friends or community explicitly for help. 45 minutes of playdate with neighbor while you sit in silence.
4. Find ways to schedule more time alone in whatever ways your husband can help. 

Interested!

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I wouldn't see this FIL again.

There's 2 things: the question of whether travel is a good idea at 7 months and the way you guys decide that and discuss it.

I have no idea if travel is a good idea for you at 7 months but I am a little horrified that your boyfriend told you "that's the end of it" and hasn't spoken to you. How are you going to deal with conflict in the future? It is a very controlling thing to say and expect from you. You deserve better.

No, it is not normal. Time to be firm about what he says to baby or leave, imo.

Just as reassurance - my son hated to be worn when he was very little, maybe up to 3 or 4 months old, and he would spit up EVERY time. As he got bigger and interested in the world, it got easier. So don't worry that this, even if it's about milk or breastfeeding, will last forever!

If you are doubting whether it is very serious, take that as a sign to trust yourself. Obviously it felt bad and abnormal. There's no harm in asking for help/higher dose of medicine if it will make your life more manageable. Sending good thoughts to you!

I spent a lot of time trying to research what "firm" means and I did not find it. I wanted to know what a baby mattress was like and compare to adult. So I think the honest answer is - proceed at your own risk. You're not going to get any answers from "authority" because no one wants to take on the risk of saying "this is firm enough" just for a deadly accident to happen. Frustrating and not helpful, in my opinion!

"Oh wow yeah, I don't want to do that" or "Hm I don't think there's evidence of that." And then it's just a choice like anything else in your life that is not her problem.

If you really wanted you could go research the science on children's brain development, how they make choices, whether they are actually able to have theory of mind, dig into your own mind of examples for when you were a child and unable to understand the nuance of a situation and relate that.. I found No Bad Kids: Toddler Discipline Without Shame by Janet Lansbury to be a helpful starting place on that road.

We read books, drink water, then turn off the light and tell a story in the dark. Getting him to ask for a story has been very helpful with the idea of "please stop moving, kid." We do things like "Once upon a time there was a little boy who wanted to take a train" etc just a boring story he understands.

Eventually he gets more tired, we stop talking and falls asleep. It is not always a quick process but it's where we're at now and sounds similar to your set up.

This sounds so hard. I also had kiddo who never slept easily and it was hard to hear about parents who let their kids cry and then got lots of sleep. Like hellooo I want to know what I can do to stop the crying!

I think the only thing I would add that I haven't seen is trying to up baby's solids so that you can be sure she's not nursing too much out of hunger. We offered tons of fruit, pasta, oatmeal. I see you said she's not eating a ton but that will come with time!

And if your wife is really struggling, trying offer a pacifier? I know there are downsides to pacifier but the feeling of being touched out and "oh my god my kid needs the boob again" is worth combatting if possible.

What about a daytime babysitter? It sounds like you guys need a chance to nap and recover, at least emotionally. When I was at my worst sleep, I needed a nap in order to prepare to handle the next night. Consider getting someone who can take baby for an hour or two walk every so often - weekend so you both nap or weekday so SAHM gets a break!

Then it's definitely time to think of this as an employment issue than judging her as a person issue. "I disapprove of my employer, should I stay or go." Seems like you should go or keep it to yourself since it's your job, not your baby.

It's really alarming that you consider it appropriate to criminalize this behavior. There's mounds of evidence that policing pregnant women is going to mostly hurt poor women (on whom people love to call the police) or it's going to end up with CPS tracking a parent unfairly, or it's going to end up with children taken away from their parents. Really think on why you think that's ok. https://www.pregnancyjusticeus.org/arrests-and-prosecutions-of-pregnant-women-1973-2020/.

If it's not your body, it's not your call. I understand you're concerned but it's really alarming to be concerned about controlling someone else like this. I completely understand you have concerns about the effects of alcohol on the baby but unless you're ready to say something respectfully to her, you should keep it to yourself.

I'm really surprised at people defending this. I validate your feelings, I would also find that distressing. I understand you to be saying "don't use being alone or abandoned as a threat to make your kid cooperate" and I agree with you. Of course the mom deserves grace because it's a hard situation but I agree it's inappropriate.

I'm like your SO *shrugs*

It doesn't really sound like you've done research on why to do one way of parenting or another. There's lots of things you can read online or in books or podcasts about authoritative parenting. But your examples are upsetting in my opinion and I'm not surprised you're getting posts taken down. Is your question "what is gentle parenting and how can I do it with my kids?" Cause you're going to have a lot more arguing on the internet until it is, in my opinion

(and also individual therapy is important and necessary, but I think that's a given lol)

There are so many good resources out there but one parenting book that also helped me heal and address my reactions is called Good Inside by Dr. Becky Kennedy. She also has a podcast and resources online (https://www.goodinside.com/book/). It helped me think about how I was parented and what I deserved, what I didn't get, and how parenting is bringing all that up again. Wishing you good things!

In line with this, I work to let my toddler tell me what to do sometimes. He wants to brush my hair or put water on me in the bath, or he wants to tell me where to sit when we play, or he wants to feed me with a fork - all fine with me in moderation. It's another way to let him feel some control in life and balance how much I am coercing him to do what I need.

From our limited information, it seems like there's something could be going on with how his brain operates around food! This doesn't sound like a simple "he's stubborn." Please don't blame yourself. Especially since now you obviously want to help make a change.

I would get a second opinion from a doctor and talk specifically about his aversion to food and how he gags, ask for information about feeding therapy. For example, I see this kind of resource for feeding therapy and the front page looks just like what you're going through. https://feedingtherapyny.com/

If you have to try another suggestion from an internet stranger, you could try reading him a picture book while he eats. It will offer the distraction but also engagement with you.

We're still adapting but we usually lay down in bed with him in his bed and have a water bottle right next to us. He'll kind of default to drinking water and snuggling as comfort?? I'm sure every kid is different. I've done my fair share of "all done nursing" when it started to hurt and just comforted him through the tantrum. Lots of deep breathing for me and asking partner for help. :)