u/gravity

Yes, mine turned kind of menacing a cruel. We managed to keep it on an even keel at the end with the kids until I moved out but it was just so hard just being in the same space as her. I can only recommend that you try to get some separate physical space. It was still hard but I felt so much better and could breathe easily once I moved out to my own place. Best of luck to you. You’ll get through this.

Tons of festivals going on this week! With the weather looking bad I expect a lot of these to be rescheduled so they might show up again in next week's post. I'm personally going to keep my options open and plan for a lot of indoor time.

Happy to hear it! I hope they have a support group local to you that you can join. But even attending support meetings entirely on Zoom is helpful. My local meetings are hybrid, with most folks only on video, and they're still incredibly helpful.

I'm sorry man. I'm only about a year ahead of you on this, but I can say that the "years of absorbing psychological and emotional abuse are clicking for me" resonates a lot. I didn't really realize it was happening until later, and it sounds like you're in the same situation. It's a hard, very painful revelation you're having. Be prepared for more of that.

To get through this I'd recommend a few things that worked for me.

1. Go get the first aid kit from OurPath and do your best to follow it. It was my life raft when I was where you are. The biggest thing is gathering your support network around you and leaning on it wherever you can. You'll find that different people in your network will support you better at different times, so just take it as it comes and do your best with what you've got and can build. You'll find that you've got more sources of support than you might have guessed. I'd definitely reach out to OurPath as well for support, that was huge for me.

2. Try and separate physically if you can. For me this was isolating as much as reasonable in the house until I moved out. And once I moved in to my own place I was able to breathe easy for the first time in months, maybe years.

3. Focus on what you can control. You can't control her, but you can do whatever you can to get through the day. And your job at this stage is just to get through the day. If you do that you've succeeded. Things will get easier, but be very forgiving of yourself because you're going through a horrible tragedy.

4. Expect that things might turn hostile. I know that's hard to envision and accept, but it means trying to get as much as you can on record, finding a lawyer to start discussing how divorce might go, and generally thinking about how to protect your kid from the storm.

5. Start planning for how you're going to manage a financial split in the future. You need to address the fear of the divorce and split that you naturally have right now. The only way to do that is to start learning and planning. Start gathering information about your assets, start building budgets, and getting a feeling for how things can go.

6. Try to start living for yourself if you haven't been. I sacrificed so much for my ex to address a problem that hadn't been named. And I was miserable. If you're in the same boat, start thinking about what might bring you joy and go and do some of it! If that's dating then go date. If it's a new hobby take up that hobby. If it's time with friends go spend that time. This will be the gift you give to yourself, lighting your own light at the end of the tunnel.

Good luck man. Lots of us have been where you are. You'll get through it, but it's going to suck for a while before it gets better.

This is sick. Exactly why I don’t like listening to audiobooks while I run! Thank you!

I booked my first sitter for the kids since separating. I've been totally focused on spending as much time with them as I can whenever I have them, but I've reached a good point mentally where I feel like I can leave them for an evening and it'll be ok. I think that's a sign of healing.

I hadn't! Thank you! That'll be really helpful

Ok! I'll hunt around some more and see if I can find a place to play. Then we can try organizing a meet up.

That's awesome. I'm impressed that you're able to do the family dinner together. That's pretty special and I think it shows a lot of character from you both.

I took my kids to the Shakespeare on the Common matinee last Sunday. It was both of their first times seeing Shakespeare of any kind. I'm really proud of being able to introduce them to it. My youngest struggled with the language, and we all struggled with the heat, but it was special getting to share one of my favorite Boston traditions with them.

I’m so sorry this happened to you. You’re not alone. It happened to me too about a year ago. Even though the pain hasn’t gone away for me I can tell you that it will get better. I hope you drop in at r/straightspouses to find some support from those of us who’ve been in your shoes.

RIP The Sunset. You can get the Founders Old Dirty Bastard and Belhaven in stores fairly regularly. Both are great.

You’re welcome. Hang in there bro.

That is painful. I stay away from the house as much as possible and haven't gone in since I left. I think they have the emotional side much more figured out because they've spent years thinking about it. It sounds like you were blindsided, so you just have a lot more time to go to get there. I'm sorry man, that sucks and it happened to me too.

It's good that she at least says you're a good man and that she respects you. I hope you take some comfort in that because a lot of us don't get anything near that kind. It's a cold comfort, I know.

Are you still having sex with her occasionally? If so, I'd try and stop that. I know that's super hard, but it'll help you heal.

The pain of heartbreak is awful. But know that it's something that every adult in the world has felt at some point in their life. Your pain connects you to everyone else and all of us. You're not alone and you'll get through it. No way out but through.

Everyone and every situation is different. For me, moving out and getting my own apartment made things instantly a lot better and let me start genuinely moving forward.

Hang in the man. You'll get through it. Try to take it one step at a time. Eventually it'll be one day at a time and one week at a time, but for now just find your supports and lean on them to get through this part.

I had a couple of cooking for the kids wins this week. First was trying Alice Waters' salsa verde on cauliflower, which one of my kids absolutely loved and wants me to make again. The other was making BBQ chicken that my other kid devoured and said was the best I'd ever done.

What's Barky Boats? Looks like a Bluey episode?

I've been working on organizing my finances. Some of the todo items have sat for well over a decade and were just low priority enough that I didn't feel able to do them. I definitely didn't feel like I was able to take the time to do them during my marriage because something my ex wanted always took priority. Getting a few more of those ancient todo's crossed off the list after all this time felt liberating.

On the process side, I'm still going through the divorce process, and I managed to get a handle on some questions that had been bothering me to the point where it was disrupting my sleep. Having my sleep re-normalize after a stressful period has always felt like a win throughout this process.

It was fun! I always like SotC. The set was fantastic and they did this fun disco thing with the fairies. Puck and Botton were outstanding. I loved the food options this year too.

On the downside, I do wish they had used more of the stage because it was hard to see them on the ground level from where I was sitting. They did a lot of musical numbers this year, and it was tough to catch a lot of the sung lines, but they have video screens with real time captions so I was able to read what I’d missed.

Overall if you like the play and can catch it on a night with good weather it’s a great evening.

I've got two wins. The first is that I took my youngest to his first RedSox game ever last Sunday. We got to watch the Sox crush the Rays, which was awesome. Getting to take my kid to Fenway for the first time felt like such a great Dad moment.

The other one is that I got both my kids back this week after three weeks with their mom. My oldest at one point out of the blue said "Dad, thanks for being a great Dad."

Same. I'm still thinking about catching one of the matinee shows. But I got home around midnight last night after the performance so there's no way I'm going to keep my kids up that late for this.

Rooftop Zootopia 2 screening Saturday afternoon and evening

I'll give it another try. I'd love to do more AMC stuff. I've been shy about going on their hikes so far because I'm a relative beginner even though I'm not in terrible shape. I took a cross country ski class they put on during the winter, which was a blast.

I signed up for AMC but their events page is so tough to sort through. I have no idea how to find family friendly anything there. How do you find them?

I feel you on the ticks too. I've managed to get out to the woods a fair bit this summer and so far I've been lucky. 🤞