u/kempff

"...I'm tellin' ya Fred, my wife's a real bitch ... Hey bartender, gimme a toilet water straight up..."

"So do you, like, like him?"
"Sure, I like him."
"Yeah but do you, like, like like him?"

Is it election season again, when dead stories get resurrected just before the midterms?

ikr? people act like individual lanes are separate self-contained roads

So has the constitution.

"The Lord is good, a strong hold in the day of trouble; and he knoweth them that trust in him." Nahum 1:7

"Then shall he say also unto them on the left hand, Depart from me, ye cursed, into everlasting fire, prepared for the devil and his angels." Matthew 25:41

Yep, magnetic hooks under the cabinets for measuring cups and spoons. Always within reach, never lost.

• Everything is arranged in the order I use them. For example, when I'm foggy-headed first thing in the morning, the coffee, a dedicated coffee measuring spoon, the coffee maker, the oatmeal, and the bananas are stored out on the counter, in full view and in that order, so I don't have to think about what to do when I'm unfocused.
• Things are stored near where I need them. Stovetop tools like spatulas are in the drawer next to the stove, and prep tools like chef's knives are in the drawer under the countertop, instead of randomly on the other side of the kitchen.
• No spice rack. Spices are lined up along the far edge of the counter against the wall. In order of height, not alphabetically, because it just looks better that way, and while I do have to visually go through the whole row to find something since it's not alphabetical, it prevents me from becoming "blind" to what I do have.
• Dirty pots and pans get stored on the kitchen island opposite the dishwasher. Dirty dishes get stacked neatly by size and kind in the sink. Flatware has its own oblong bucket filled with water to pre-soak and to keep the sharps safely out of the way. When it's time to do a load of dishes I run hot water over the stack of dishes to pre-rinse them and to draw hot water so it's piping hot for the start of the cycle.

Christians are weird.

She refuses to learn English.

"Watch this grainy security camera footage as the ghost lifts the paper placemat on this restaurant table."

Ceiling fan conveneintly out-of-frame.

Reminds me of the time an old roommate accused me of deliberately using the hot water while he was taking a shower to prank him. He didn't realize it was the load of laundry he started just before his shower.

https://www.youtube.com/shorts/qIk9qI7ntI8

/thread

"Please note the bachelor party at Muggs 'n Juggs will be child-free as per management policy."

Try an Eastern European great-aunt saying "szánd-ə-VÍCZ-ə".

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wqqmRt0wgz8

If I directed my sneezes through my nose my face would pop off.

That's kind of the point. Why would any sane person want to argue with someone like that?

Imagine having to fill out a form like on standardized tests and you don't have room for the whole address. When I took the SAT a friend of mine had an address like yours and he had to cut it off. It was something like 65536 Luxembourg-Liechtenstein Rd NW. I hope he got his scores back.

The post office assigns addresses, not the residents. And they are assigned according to uniform rules.

Sepulveda Boulevard in the Los Angeles area for example is nearly 50 miles long, so lots of addresses have five digits.

https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/f/f0/ArthurCharacter.jpg

You have no idea how often people are late for appointments. And I mean half an hour or more late.

Best way to checkmate that immature behavior:

"I don't like when someone posts the exact same thing 4 times."
"Oh, so, are you expecting us to not post?!"
"Yes, I am expecting you not to post."

"I think we should be allowed to have guns."
"Oh, so you think we should all just shoot each other all the time?"
"Yes, I think we should all just shoot each other all the time."

"I think we should allow third world immigration."
"Oh, so you want America to turn into a shithole country?"
"Yes, I want America to turn into a shithole country."

"Just give them what they want and maybe they'll shut up." -- Neville Chamberlain

I'm uncomfortable framing things in terms of whether it offends God. It makes him sound like a petty tyrant we have to walk on eggshells around.

inb4 Jonathan Edwards

https://i.redd.it/uw4sio5p0apc1.jpeg