u/lost_penguin28

There wasn't really anything specific that I focused on. I think what helped me get through each day was to just do what I wanted without the goal of trying to force things to feel better. I did my best to not obsess too much over what happened and remind myself that she didn't deserve to be something I was distraught over. I also tried to spend time with people I trusted and it was really nice to be around people that didn't feel straight up evil.

The main thing was just giving it time. After long enough I realized one day that I hadn't thought about her in a while, and then longer after that I noticed I just felt a bit better in general. It still took a long time though. Admittedly I feel like I had it a bit easier in the long run. The old girl was undeniably in the wrong and didn't even try to hide it, and she completely vanished and effectively didn't exist anymore. And then about a year later I got extremely lucky and met my current girlfriend, which helped a lot too.

I hope you're doing okay. Just remember in the long run you're much better off without them in your life; even if it doesn't feel like it right now.

Things are good. I have a girlfriend now and she's great! She's the sweetest and kindest person I've met and I can very confidently say that she won't ever treat me unfairly and genuinely values me for who I am. (I've gotten pretty good at telling when someone treats people as just disposable romantic options.) She's very patient and empathetic with me and despite having several opportunities to easily leave on good terms if she wanted, she never has and has continued to stick with me.

I did notice when I stopped thinking about the previous girl. It was a really long time ago. I didn't really notice right away, but after a few days went by I just noticed she hadn't crossed my mind in a while. By now she's just a bad memory. I got pretty lucky though. Apparently she eloped a couple of times in the past year (yes, more than once) and moved away and cut ties with practically everybody. I never see her and nobody talks about her because nobody hears from her. She practically doesn't exist anymore.

This is why I disguise my anxiety under the image of being "quiet and mysterious". I just don't talk much. There are a lot of people who see me pretty often but hardly know anything about me.

I usually open up a bit more around friends I really trust but there was a time where a "friend" wasn't that trustworthy. She treats me like a child all the time. She acts like I'm small, weak, stupid, immature, "innocent", and just not an equal to her. I used to go to her over things I was worried or anxious about but she'd just give me a plain response that didn't address the thing I was anxious about. Like, I can obviously see the "logical" side of things but if my anxiety could be fixed with plain logic then I wouldn't have anxiety. It got to the point that I was having an anxiety/panic attack over something and she just told me to "manage my anxiety" and then go from there. Because I guess trying to reach out to a friend for help didn't count. She never even commented on the thing I was stressing over.

I guess the reaction you get depends on the individual, but I've found that people usually just see me as the problem. I don't want to have anxiety. I don't use it as an excuse. I still try despite having it. I don't give up when it's in my way, I just find a different way that doesn't set off as many alarms in my head. And I still push through if there isn't another way, even if the results aren't as great as they would be without the anxiety. But no. I'm the problem apparently.

I eventually found out she only cared about having someone she could have absolute control over. The minor disagreement was enough for her to make the decision to discard me in the most heartless way she could. I texted her that I didn't want to be friends and all she responded with was "ok".

I never see her anymore. She tried a few times to rebuild things, but all she did was try to say hi to me and start a conversation when we happened to be in the same place. She knew I didn't want to talk to her though and she was trying to avoid having to apologize so it never worked. I heard she cheated on her boyfriend again (the one she had while dating me) and then broke up, got back with her ex, and got engaged to him all in the same week so she could have somewhere to live. I heard she moved away and got reengaged to someone else, but I never ask about her so I don't really know.

As for me I'm doing better now. Last time someone brought her up with zero warning I felt nothing. No shock and no panic or anxiety attacks. I've also started seeing someone else. She's very similar to me and we want the same things from a relationship. We're also both very cautious and introverted and don't want to jump into anything without being sure it'll work out, so it's going a bit slow. But we've been able to actually sit down and talk through things without having to do all the "mind reading" that usually comes with trying to date.

I did a lot of journaling. I also read some books, watched TV shows, and played video games whenever I felt like it.

What helped me the most I think was that my church did activities once a week and I would go. Just being around people and socializing and occasionally chiming in when I was comfortable helped a bit. I'm not normally a super social person and I don't use social media so just being around people helped fill the loneliness she left me with, even if it was just a tiny amount.

There was a time where all I wanted was to be with her again and hoped she'd realize what she threw away. I think it was about 3 months that I stopped wishing to be with her, but I still felt a lot of the pain from losing the version of her I saw when I was with her. Although my timeline for moving on from her may not be very helpful. I eventually discovered she did a countless number of things that were unfair and wrong towards me, one of them being that she secretly already had a boyfriend the entire time. So while it made it easier to stop wishing for her back, it still took a while to recover from that loss and the pain of how she treated me.

And yeah, it does hurt. A lot. It's one of those things that you can't really explain to someone who's never experienced it before. I don't really have a ton of advice, but what worked well for me was just doing whatever I felt like (within reason of course). Don't do anything specifically with the goal of making the pain go away. Just do whatever makes each moment feel more manageable.

Also venting on Reddit with people willing to listen helped a lot too.

I hope it does get better for you, even if it seems impossible right now.

In my experience it was easier to just focus on the present instead of trying to focus on whenever it'll stop hurting. Especially when it can take a while. You can't force it. There won't be a day where it's suddenly better, just a day where you suddenly realize you've been better for a while.

Actually yes. A lot better. I never think about what happened anymore and while finding a new relationship isn't as easy as some people make it look, I have been seeing someone who's a lot better. It's not the same as how it was before, but she's a lot more aligned with what I'd want from a relationship.

It's still annoying to hear people say it'll get better over time. Even if it's true it's not helpful in the moment, and sometimes it takes a really long time.

Not a whole lot. I never think about her anymore and the fact she cheated is sort of just an afterthought now. I guess I did fully recover. I suppose living life normally, like I did before her, for long enough made the pain eventually fade away.

I'm doing quite better now. I've started seeing someone else and she's super sweet and actually appreciates me for who I am.

As for the girl who sidelined me, I tried to keep things more platonic since it wasn't okay for her to be flirty with me while she was seeing someone else. What helped was trying to keep interactions to a minimum and not engaging with her behavior. Not to the point of being mean or cutting her off, just as much as would be reasonable. It also helped a bit knowing that she likely wasn't the kind of relationship I would want anyway since she pushed me aside for a guy she literally just met.

I later found out she only ever cared about me as a possible option. She left him when she found out he never cared about her and tried to go back to me. When I didn't take her back she instead became official with the first guy who pursued her despite only knowing him for 2 weeks. She stopped talking to me entirely after that.

I don't want to assume your friend is as bad as mine was but if he's brushed you aside in the same way then you're better off not with him anyway. He had his chance to be with you, he doesn't get to keep you roped in while seeing someone else. If all else fails just be direct and say you need some space for a while. You deserve better than him.

For me it feels the opposite. Conversation over text is an absolute nightmare for me and so are the moments leading up to talking to her in person and the moments after, but as soon as I'm talking to her face to face I'm usually fine. It's like my anxiety just gives up whenever I put myself in the situation it wanted me to avoid anyway. Although it doesn't make me any better at actually being social and likable. She keeps agreeing to go on dates with me though and I don't know what I did to make that happen.

Yes but I can never tell the difference between intuition and anxiety. Which just leads to more anxiety and I stress over everything trying to figure out if I need to be concerned or not.

Turns out she actually did have a boyfriend and she was cheating on him with me. Obviously I didn't know. A few months later we ran into each other at church. She's engaged with someone different at this point and she tries having a conversation with me and asking how I am but I don't reciprocate. Now she'll wave at me, smile, say hi, use my name, and attempt eye contact every single time she walks past me. I think she knows that she lost me for good because of how she treated me and doesn't want to face the consequences. She's also very controlling and manipulative so who knows. I saw a glimpse of her dynamic between her and her husband and she's in complete control over him and is definitely using him for something.

As for me, I'm doing a lot better. She never crosses my mind anymore and I'm even seeing someone new that I really like. I'm one of those guys who has to REALLY be hit over the head to tell if a girl is into me so I'm having the absolute hardest time gauging exactly how interested she is. Although our first date went great and she agreed to a second and has been cooperative in finding a day that works so I'm taking that as a good sign for now.

Definitely this. In my experience it's easier to do it sooner rather than later. You want to go on the date, and you're worrying because you're unsure of the outcome. Both those are solved by actually going and you're only going to have more time to worry the farther out it is. Plus if it does go well, then the sooner you go on the first date the sooner you can go on another date.

Keep bothering people I know asking stupid questions for advice on whatever I'm currently worrying about at the moment. 90% of the time it's just to confirm what I already know because I don't trust myself to be able to catch a dumb decision until it's too late.

That won't make it look like I've lost interest will it? She doesn't respond and then suddenly I stop reaching out entirely? There's also been a lot of times where we've gone days without texting. I don't know if waiting any amount of time will make her want to send a text. I don't really want to play mind games with her.

Yeah. Even when I'm not feeling it I begin to worry about the fact I'm not feeling it anymore. It's like I'm not allowed to be comfortable because then I'm letting my guard down. Sort of a "Why are you not worrying about X,Y, and Z right now? Nothing's changed. You should be thinking of a solution and preparing for the worst so you can prevent it or at least be ready to be hurt by the outcome."

Wanting to text "Merry Christmas" to my friends. I settled with the logic that it's not a big deal if I don't text them if they don't text me either. Then realized the next day that I basically set up a "neither of us cared enough to text the other" situation. Which made things worse. Then realized later that people don't always text everyone they know on Christmas.

I could have just sent it and there would be a 0% chance of anything bad happening because of it.

It's sort of an indirect cause. I didn't work for 3 years due to the severe anxiety around it. Although recently the anxiety of people possibly not accepting me because I don't have a job has become greater than the anxiety around having to go to a job. And also... having money is pretty useful.

The problem comes in where every single employer immediately ends the hiring process every single time they see I didn't work for 3 years. Even my SOLIDWORKS certification doesn't ever stand out to them. "We've decided to go with a candidate who's skills better align with the qualifications" has become meaningless at this point. I can't just work a job in retail or customer service though. That would be hell. I keep trying to apply for jobs where I have minimum customer interaction but I guess "I'm not good enough."

Also lost my car in a different anxiety related incident so driving to work isn't much of an option...

I didn't think I'd be going back to one of my comments 4 months later, but think it's worth mentioning that I actually have gotten better. I don't know if "recovered" is quite the right word for it but I'm no longer bothered by what happened and it pretty much never crosses my mind anymore. I guess not enough time had passed.

I do have a different perspective now and I've noticed that selfish and manipulative people are much more common than I thought, but I value the genuinely good people much more now when I do find them.

I have a pretty similar situation. Me and a girl were getting on really well but then she suddenly sidelined me for a guy who came in with the mentality of "she seems to like him? Nah, screw that guy I want her instead" and did a lot of... not very gentlemanly flirting and slept with her as soon as possible to claim her.

I was just about ready for things to end between us completely, but she noticed how I was being affected negatively and mentioned she still valued my friendship and she puts in effort to keep me around. It normally wouldn't bother me much since I don't really like her any less than I did before but the dynamic between us is still exactly the same. Other than us not really texting anymore and her ignoring me when her boyfriend is around (which is fine) she still acts in the "possibility-wanting-to-be-more-than-friends zone" as opposed to backpedaling to strictly just friends stuff. I've gone back to acting as just a friend and will try to avoid her sometimes, but she still goes out of her way to interact with me whenever there's an opportunity and will even check in on me if she's at a church event but I'm not or I'm late.

It's a bit of an annoying situation sometimes because while I still enjoy being around her and she clearly wants to still be friends, I have to distance myself and limit interactions to avoid old feelings from coming up because I know I'll just get hurt. Plus I want to be able to focus on finding someone who's actually available and won't treat me like an option. And I can't do that if I'm emotionally attached to someone else.

Fortunately I don't run into her that often anymore.

Right. I forgot to mention I've moved on and I'm trying to find someone else. I was just curious why she acts this way. It's not what I would have expected.

It didn't seem appropriate to kiss her. Definitely not the first time since we were with friends and the second time was after she held hands with the other guy. She pulled her hand away after her excuse for holding my hand wasn't relevant anymore and she went for a hug at the end. Plus I'm not a fan of trying to invest in a girl when it's clear she's decided on someone else I'm just going to get sidelined in the end.

4th of July.

Blindsided over text message at 12:50am. It was the very first thing I saw that day. Thanks to that selfish, heartless, sociopath that holiday will never be the same.

I'm glad she's gone but really? On a holiday? She couldn't have ghosted me for 4 or 6 days before taking the cowards way out? She had to pick 5 days so it lined up. She doesn't have a soul.

I get why asking her on a date would be a good idea, but in her case I feel like it's entirely possible she'll say yes and continue to lead me on only to possibly sideline me later. I feel like it might be best to just ask her what her intentions are.

Yeah I'm definitely not going get my hopes up. I'm not entirely sure what I'm going to do. She made an excuse to hold my hand again which I didn't think she would do and I don't really know why she would. And she doesn't hold hands with just anyone. I'd guess she still likes the other guy more but it's not very clear what she thinks of me.