OMG how amazing! And actually, I wonder if he could have vitiligo instead of xxy. His lighter spots seem more like the loss of pigment rather than added orange pigment. I’ve always wanted a vitiligo kitty. And a male tortie. And a male calico.

That ain’t no snake! That there’s a gater!

Babe, do you need help? For real, do you actually need some help?

It is now!!!

I mean ahem… “Oh, you’ve found my missing baby, Sven! I’ll be by any minute to come get my sweetheart!”

K in all seriousness though I’m with a rescue and if it gets to the point that he needs to be picked up and cared for please lmk

It’s 100% fake. That thing is the size of 200+ red blood cells. If you had these pumping into your brain in your blood vessels, they would fully obstruct and you’d already be dead from a stroke.

I support natural medicine and can confidently say this person is a fraud and they’re either showing you a fake video or they mixed your blood with literal rotifers before putting the sample under the microscope.

It would be easy, actually. I could duplicate this while you watched and you’d never know. Before the blood draw, I’d suck up some frozen rotifers or aquarium water (just 1ml, maybe less) into the syringe. Pull your blood, let you watch me put it on the slide and omg you saw it with your own eyes that’s directly from your blood!

Or, better yet, just preload the slide with pond water - it would look perfectly clean to the naked eye, while already holding the “blood parasites” for you to see.

If you need any more proof, test it yourself. Act very interested, tell them you’ve been looking it up online and make up some bs species like r. haemolytica and tell them you’ve think that’s it. $20 says they agree.

Uh and just one more point. Suppose this was real and didn’t cause obstructions in blood vessels and there were actual worms in your blood. Where are the white blood cells attacking the invader? Why are there zero WBCs attached, trying their best to destroy the pest? Simply not possible.

Same. I remember my first kitten death and my mentor said “death and illness is a huge part of rescue, it will get easier but it will never be easy” and I thought surely she was exaggerating or being just full of doom and gloom. No. She was 100% right and the anxiety never goes away. We’re special people willing to go through this to save them though!

I’m so sorry, and I believe every word you’re saying about your experience. I don’t mean to devalue what anyone has gone through

He’s really not a complete piece of shit at all. I knew sending this would lead to an attack on me and I think maybe just maybe he’ll think later he could maybe address this. I just wish he would at least get back in his Prozac…. He did so well for years on it. Not perfect, but he was kinder to himself. He quit taking it because he heard taking Prozac wasn’t manly/masculine and it has just been a dumpster fire since then.

I send him (and you, too) love and kindness and hope.

https://preview.redd.it/jvd9izx8zjuh1.jpeg?width=720&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=7157ce4e6258b914c7c322741807f4499cd85621

Colorado-ish?

Yes, and I think you noted something I’ve been recognizing in myself in this subsequent post… toxic positivity. This was something I had never even heard of before and I think I’m guilty of it, often. I’ve always thought I was helping by saying the silver lining but now I’m coming to learn how invalidating it feels to everyone (except my parents, sisters, and kids).

Funny (not funny) example: 5 years ago my dad was walking in the street and was literally hit by a truck (he’s fine now). My sisters and I showed up at the ICU smiling, joking, sharing coffee. The icu staff would be like “can I get you a water?” and we’d say “oh no I’ve got all I need”, pointing to the IV bag of lactated ringers and giggling. We gave Dad a pedicure while he was intubated. My youngest sister, twinkles in her eyes, beaming smile on her face, said, “I think we all have serious mental issues. Only our family will bounce around giggle while Dad is dying”. My dad did wake up 4 days later and make just as many jokes. But toxic positivity. All the way.

Yeah I think I was wrong. I just feel like he’s been wandering in the dark for our whole marriage and I was giving him a solution.

Selfishly, I’m realizing now, I think I stupidly and secretly thought “omg what if he goes in and gets treated and I can have him back?” I think I thought it was a pathway forward for our marriage. I was wrong and all I did was hurt him.

I don’t agree that it’s awful! The symptoms can be awful when untreated but this poor man has been desperately searching for a way to “fix his brain” for 2 decades. I think I was overly optimistic and excited to have found something that fit. Just to be clear, here’s how I see BPD:

Strong emotions that are difficult to express appropriately
Difficulty merging the good and bad into a whole person, swinging between extremes even when viewing oneself
Difficulty staying away from substances
Very negative view of self at times

My husband has always said “I feel like I’m a bad person” and I’ve spent hours telling him he’s a good person and the fact that he’s worrying so much proves he’s a good person. He has struggled for decades trying to stop pot and drinking (he always has to do one). He says sometimes he doesn’t understand why he goes on the warpath against me or employees. I was so happy to have found something understandable and treatable.

I did agree with you about the laughing crying emoji - I sent it thinking he was being sarcastic, thinking he was reading the 9 DSM criteria or watching one of the “how does it feel to have bpd” videos. I had imagined him feeling “seen” or feeling like he had an answer finally. Within 5 minutes I realized he may have seen some of the actual awful stuff and thought I’d clarify. So in fact, that was a terrible response from me to him 😭

I hope one day the seed will grow and he’ll get treatment. Honestly I knew full well sending him that he would quickly decide I have bpd. Nope lol just ADHD and Autism for me the doctors said lol

Hey what state are you in? Seeing if you’re west or east of OP (I’m west of OP and considering helping if you’re also west lol)

Go look up transactional analysis. You have taken the role of “adaptive child” for 9 years. The snap is “rebellious child”.

Holy crap. Mine screamed at me about painting a wall green until I gave up, had my 5-year old pick his favorite color, and I went and covered up the offensive green. I was afraid to paint for a decade.

I was driving to Target the other day, by myself, thinking of explanations about why I hadn’t gone sooner, why I was going to target first instead of the other task I had… building the story in my head about why the Target trip was necessary.

Then I thought- wait. I don’t answer to you anymore. I’m going to Target because that’s what I want to do.

I. Don’t. Answer. To. You. Anymore.

Looks like coccidia to me. Is their poop yellow?

I actually forgot about exercise. Thank you so much for your words. I have really tried to be a rock for him - I've always thought of him as a lost soul who needed love and kindness. I've always thought I can see him and see through his defenses to the person he really is.

We were together for like 15 years, had kids, but weren't married. I just couldn't make the forever commitment knowing how quickly he could switch. But I begged him to please take antidepressants for years. I finally said "I am literally on antidepressants because of you" in a break from character. Something about it hit him somehow and he said "because of me? You take your pills to deal with me?" I tried to soften it but yeah! Because of him!

He started taking Prozac. It didn't cure everything. But it did calm him down so he didn't swing so quickly between the extremes. Finally, my nervous system started calming down. Not all the way, he was still a dick when we drank and would still freak out and think I said things I didn't during arguments... but the relationship was tolerable and I believed he would keep improving. He did a little, actually.

In 2023, I finally said okay we can get married. We did. It was lovely. I finally felt safe enough to get actually married.

Freaking last year. OMG. He decided to quit smoking pot. He turned miserable, lashing out at me and employees frequently. I tried to smooth things over with them. I said he had quit smoking pot, he's working on himself, he's going to be a little irritable and they can always come to me. But he got angrier and angrier. He started accusing me of crazy things. I would literally work from 9am-9pm many days but if I was ever away from my desk he would tell employees "she never pays any bills" or "she doesn't do anything around here".

Three days before Thanksgiving 2025, I drove to a volunteer's house to help her (she and I are with an animal rescue). I had no idea my GPS location wasn't working. Well actually, I did know it wasn't working - I had asked him to help me fix it because it would just turn off randomly. But I didn't know it wasn't on that afternoon. I helped microchip a kitten and helped get one adopted. Phew, I took a really long lunch! I hopped back in the car and started driving back. Within 2 minutes, he called me. I immediately started telling him about my time and how I got scratched by a kitten... blah blah blah. He was pissed. About what, I didn't know. But sharp, angry. I remember he said "so what do you want for dinner?" I said "how about mexican? That sounds good." He said "Yeah no I'm thinking spaghetti." Like... okay.... I got home and started working. I had like 5 hours of work left to do. He came in multiple times demanding I try his spaghetti sauce. I was finally like "it's good, I don't care, I have to do my work". He got all pissed and went and ate without me. My sister called (3 days before Thanksgiving; she was going to stay here and needed to organize picking up the old people). I had nothing left. She was like "what's wrong, what's wrong" then I finally said, within full earshot of him "I just don't feel appreciated" she said "by who?" and I didn't want to talk actual shit, so I just said "Yeah" to tell her I didn't want to talk about it. OMG. He went psycho. Slamming cabinet doors, stomping upstairs and packing trash bags of his stuff. He came downstairs and said "I'm leaving, I don't think either of us wants me here". Previously, I have always said "no, let's figure this out" or whatever. But this time I just said "okay". He left, turned off his location, ghosted me for Thanksgiving (which months later he said was because "I didn't want to stay and clean the house for your family. I hate your family. You insist we do these holidays with your family, what about mine?" Which is crazy because I always have begged him for us to spend time with his family and he always says "No, I hate my family." Anyway, he was gone.

I found out later he had secretly quit his Prozac at the same time he quit pot.

In one crazy blowup, he accused me (on email) of embezzling money from the company and tax fraud. This man has zero comprehension of accounting or taxes; I've done both for our whole relationship. But he literally believed the words he was saying. He started telling my kids and our employees he was going to sell his half of the company to our nasty competitor. People were emailing me scared they were going to lose their jobs. I swear I almost fell apart from just putting on a smiling face and trying to smooth out the havoc he was wreaking.

I tried my best over the last year while he's lived at his own apartment. I did couples counseling with him. I shared things with him and tried to let my guard down. He was so nice. Giving me foot rubs for hours and not asking for anything in return. Watching shows with me, making me coffee in the mornings. Offering to help with the kids. Saying "I know Saturdays are important days at PetSmart for adoptions, do you want me to do x today?" Really just thoughtful and wanting to mend things.

That lasted a few months.

Then the switch started creeping up again. He started making up things I had said. This time, I had told him I'd only talk to him on text. Then when the story changed I could go back, read what was said, and know I wasn't crazy - he was really distorting or literally changing what I had said.

And of course he started smoking pot again and quit making effort in our relationship.

I said one day "I want my partner back. When you're smoking, I feel alone." He said he didn't know what I meant and made me explain it like 4 times, then got pissed and started bullying me, asking accusatory questions in quick succession so I couldn't answer. In counseling the next week, our therapist asked how I was feeling. I told him "I don't know, I guess I feel alone." My husband started getting angrier and angrier then freaked out and said he's the only one who deserves to feel alone.

Hmmmmm I started typing all this and apparently I was having my own therapy session by myself on Reddit 🤣 I'm leaving it all though; this has been like writing in a diary! Anyway, over the last few months he has just become so paranoid and irrational, making more accusations in one text than I can count. The last one was that he wasn't going to text with me anymore because he didn't trust me to not google or chatgpt the answers. I asked him "So you don't trust me?" He said "At this point, no." and I said "and you won't talk to me on text and I won't talk to you in person, so this is over." He said "Your decision, not mine." I said "yes. this is my decision. I can't live with someone I have to constantly prove my worth to anymore. I'll love you until the day I die, but this relationship is over." He said "This is a marriage, not a relationship." So I said "This, is not a marriage."

I've given up 🤷‍♂️ Even if I stay I can't help him. I don't make him happy. He thinks I do all sorts of things to hurt him. Miss meetings to embarrass him. 2 weeks ago he emailed our bookkeeper and said "what's this charge I keep seeing from X company?" She replied back "That's the landlord". He replied back "I looked it up online and it says it's a fake company" She replied back "Here's a copy of your lease, it's definitely not a fake company, it's just the rent payment."

TLDR; I've tried. I swear. There's no winning.

I think it's the stress, expectations, and fear of failure.

Thank you. I know the exhaustion. I never knew how many people were in this same boat with me. I appreciate you being here, too, and just know I am also here, with you.

Holy crap. From the idealize article.

How Does This Cycle Show Up Differently for Driven Women?

In my work with driven, accomplished women in relationships with this pattern, I see a specific complication: their professional competence at reading situations, solving problems, and managing complex dynamics often gets redirected into managing their partner’s internal state, and this can look, from the outside and even to the woman herself, like devotion rather than what it more accurately is, which is an unsustainable amount of vigilance.

Carissa’s coffee ritual is a small example of a much larger pattern: driven women in these relationships often become highly skilled, sometimes unconsciously, at reading micro-signals, tone shifts, facial expressions, the exact wording of a text message, in an attempt to predict and prevent the devaluation phase before it arrives. This skill can feel, from the inside, like emotional intelligence being put to good use. Clinically, it’s frequently a hypervigilance response that’s exhausting to sustain and, more importantly, doesn’t actually work, because the triggers for splitting often have more to do with the other person’s internal state than with anything the partner did or didn’t do.

What I often see in session is a woman who has become genuinely excellent at anticipating her partner’s moods and genuinely exhausted by the fact that this excellence hasn’t produced the safety she was hoping it would buy her. That gap, between the skill and the outcome, is often where the real grief in this work lives.

There’s a specific version of this I see in women who came up professionally in caretaking or client-facing roles: physicians, therapists themselves, executive assistants, nonprofit leaders. These are women whose careers rewarded exactly the skill this relationship demands: read the room, adjust your approach, de-escalate, keep things smooth. The professional reward structure and the relational demand structure look, on the surface, nearly identical. That resemblance is part of what makes it so hard for these women to recognize, at first, that a skill that serves them well at work is quietly costing them their own stability at home. The coffee-filter ritual and the client-management instinct come from the same well. One of them is professionally rewarded. The other is slowly depleting her.

oh it's an angry elf 😂

No, no - I don't mean it to be a vent post. I actually meant it as a "light bulb" post. Like - hey, I just discovered the answer! I realize the "Leaving my husband" builds a picture I didn't intend. In fact, he left me last November and we've been trying to work things out, mostly through text, and he is seething angry at me right now because he thinks I missed a meeting to embarrass him.

A more appropriate title for my post would have been "I give up on trying to help my husband whom I believe has BPD and won't seek help". Sorry to have been offensive; it's not what I intended.

Hi. Thank you for your comment. I honestly was just... relieved or something to have found a label that fits. I've tried for so long, been to so much counseling, begged him to stay on his Prozac, and wondered if his crazy fights as a teen maybe gave him brain damage or something. When I finally found the answer, I started reading post after post in this community and have gained so much understanding. I read through the bpd support pages and they seemed so depressing and hopeless. I didn't want to join a hate train against him. My hope in the bottom of my soul is to heal his soul.