u/procrast1natrix

Past few years I've been volunteering two mornings a week at the local food bank and it's been so educational.

We have both grants to support local farms keeping food local, which result in deliveries of thousands of pounds of cabbage or carrots or squash, and partnerships with area CSA and small farms for gleaning, or picking herbs. We accept cosmetically impaired veg from local groceries and sort and divert, much is good for someone ready to make apple sauce or banana bread, but maybe we compost towards animals that can use it.

Less plastic. Less huge distances driven.

Just brainstorming because sometimes it's lack of tools. You've described strongly providing consent in advance, which can be an issue for the good guys, so keep on doing that. And that removes negative cues. But he may need specific positive cues or samples.

1) create visual cues. Hey love, I just bought this cheap blouse and skirt at the thrift, I'm going to stash them in the dresser and you should know that if I ever put these on it's a cue that I'm very keen to have you chase me around the house pretending you're a marauder and I'm a peasant, tear them off me as in yes destroy these $3 worth of clothes, grope my tits, push me to my knees for a blow job and then around for some doggy, either finish inside or on my back.

2) share smut. As in, a few times a week, if there's a clip from a movie or a paragraph from book that gets you going, share it. Not with the expectation of building that exact scene, this is where you want to provide many, and use them as talking points.

3) engage in deliberate education. As in, there are books about light d/m topics, ways to learn to talk about being a pleasure Dom etc.

4) work hard on opening your heart and attention to what actually turns him on. Is he subdued but interested in new tools and terms? Or is he actually not interested.

Red state stuff trickles down.

In my blue city inside a blue state, we have voted to fund that all kids get a healthy local breakfast and lunch option without proving anything about household income. They exist, they deserve food access. And the local farms not only provide veg, but in the elementary they come in and do biology education about the veg provided. What do seeds look like, what do they mean.

It takes time to set up these programs, they are worthwhile.

And since you're clearly an overthinking person, the key to this is that it's not forever. You aren't giving up on her forever. She's acting all crashed out, she needs some time out. She's going to spend her time alone trying to reconcile that she really loves you and enjoys your conversation about planting lilies and studying classical Spanish guitar.

Parents do in fact deserve some time to have all their feelings in response to a "coming out" be that gay, trans, poly. They don't get to be mean to you or put the work on you, but they deserve a bit of time.

So separate your pain, guard against it, from her understandable grieving that life isn't going to look like life that she thought of when you were young.

I'm cis het, but surrounded by many other flavors, and thirty years ago in high school I recall my mom responding to those other kids "it's not that they're wrong, it's that it looks like a hard row to hoe, and that wasn't what I wished for those kids"

(In case we are too removed from the farming reference, you might be set on a row to be weeded with a hand implement called a hoe, and if by chance your row has extra weeds or rocks, the work is more difficult, no fault of your own).

Oh duckling. Hugs. You're being brave and kind. I value that you are trying to keep some relationship with her.
Now that you've had the difficult conversations, may I offer to you the strength of the grey rock?

Just let go, for a few years, of giving a shit what she thinks about your transition, and don't discuss it with her anymore. You can still value her advice on real estate or how to make apple crisp. You can be polite.

But for your health, for a few years, come prepared.

Bring a dozen ways to change the conversation. It doesn't need to be subtle. And if it's true for you, you can wrap it in I love you statements.

But this is so hard for me "I love you mom, but you and I are no longer discussing my transition. So that's a great sweater, where did you get that? The color is so nice for you".

But I'm embarrassed about you "I love you mom, but you and I are no longer discussing my transition. I see you have purchased new curtains, how did you decide on the length?"

But HRT is scary and I want grandbabies. "I love you mom but you and I are no longer discussing my transition. There's a new patisserie on Main St and I hear it's fabulous, have you been?".

We married as young people with ambition and plans, and yes of course that was stressful. We made a point of explicitly saying how we support eachother and have gratitude.

We grew together. Every phase has its own stress.

Neither addresses the important part. It's not at all the length, it's the cleanup, the shaping.

Beard and hair growth are for men, as contouring makeups are for many women and people in theatre. You use the color mass to emphasize or create shapes as desired.

If your goal is to shape towards typical hetero masculine, you'll want to create a more squared /rectangle shape in place of an elongated oval.

Take advantage of the fact that you can grow a beard, grow it, but ruthlessly cut the cheek and the neck such that the dark of your beard is mostly along your jaw, right at the corner under your ear.

Same with your hair - having a dark bit on top is good, but by cutting your fade high, and very narrow, you've done yourself a disservice. You've used the color mass of the hair to make the top of your head pointy. Bring your fade at least 3cm down on either side in order to create a wide, squared off top of your head.

The answer is going to massively, massively depend on what individual factors made it decline in the first place. But some thoughts, in no particular order:

1) come from a place of genuine curiosity and humility. Put your own orgasm or kink dead last for several months, and in many cases be explicit about that. Hey love, I'm interested in being more aware of you, so how's about we take ABC and LMNOP totally off the menu for three months. No pressure, because it ain't happening. But I do want to try to do more petting and touching and exploring and being creative about what makes you feel good.

2) Come Together is a great book focused specifically on building and maintaining sexual connection and intimacy inside long term relationships.

3) the partner that asks this, typically needs to zoom out and engage the mind of the partner that seems out of touch.

Posting a placeholder, I'm going to go through my history for a previously written response to edit in. In order to explain why the brand doesn't matter.

This is a product that is very oddly uniform. It's not sold with additives, preservatives, fragrances. There are dozens and dozens and dozens of brands and they all have the same ingredient, and nearly exactly the same concentration. It is water, with 0.025% hypochlorous acid. Some of the formulations are slightly weaker. Some of them filter out the Na component to increase shelf stability.

So it doesn't really matter what brand.

The history is actually fascinating.

Antoine Balard first described it in 1834. He wrote prolifically and was the first to weigh and balance many things, but this is one of them.

Pretty soon, "acidified bleach" later called Dakin's solution was being used to clean chronic wounds, or hands, or shoes going in and out of clean rooms. It became quite standard during WW1.

However, even though it was known a hundred years ago, it was also known to be unstable. The active species, the hypochlorous form, is only a tiny tiny tiny amount. Sodium hypochlorite (chlorine bleach) is stable and dominant in the solution but very alkaline, and irritating to eyes, lungs, and kills healthy cells in a wound. Acidifying it with boric acid or with vinegar drives the reaction towards the only effective component, hypochlorous. But the irritating hypochlorite remains present, and the whole thing is quite unstable.

A hundred years go by. Bleach is used in clean rooms, wound care, to sanitize pools, as a final rinse in commercial kitchens. It's effective but not ideal. A love hate relationship.

...

Then, about fifteen years ago, several manufacturers cracked two separate ways to fix this, and it exploded. One way, they learned that if you use tiny tiny tiny micro filters to get the sodium out, the hypochlorous can't break down and you finally have a shelf stable solution. Second way, they learned how to miniaturize a machine into countertop size that runs electricity through a solution of slightly salty water that's been gently acidified to match skin pH. The result breaks down in two weeks back into slightly salty water, it cannot be packaged and sold commercially, but once the generators became small and inexpensive, off to the races.

Odd that both ways to solve this hit the market at nearly the same time, and with so very many brand names.

...

I deeply trust in many different brands of the spray, but my personal experience is with the home generator. One liter water, a carefully measured small amount of pickling salt (not iodized and no anti caking agent), 4mL distilled white vinegar, ten minutes of electrical current. The solution is effective for two weeks before gradually degrading into plain water with the barest trace of salt.

I use it for road rash, cat puke, sunburn, gym stank, perioral dermatitis, eczema, yeast infection. It's FDA approved to kill COVID, influenza, MRSA, pseudomonas.

Hugs and fist bumps, friend.

Can't resist. So that's why my comments are more upvoted than the others, because everyone disagrees?

what is an experience a man will never understand

I've been literally recorded as less than, in formal meeting notes, based on my gender. I still like guys anyway.

Writes a record of it. I'm trying to be friends and colleagues with guys. I get downvoted anyways.

Ayup here we are.

Guys, we are trying to like you. Attempting to like you. As in there are moments of lust for you guys, and then .... Ok. Y'all did this. Ok. Which of you tried to pull a brother back against this.

Nearly all of the response have to do with fear.

Everything about it's messed up. If for years he haven't been making you come, that's messed up. If for years you two have different ways you've filled the need, that's fine but you're not talking about it and that's not fine. It's not "VR" or any other label, if it's interfering in your interaction together it's a problem.

Oh luv.
So I'm a woman who loves a man, now twenty years married, love my father and my son, love many men as friends and colleagues.

I'm seriously not any kind of "man hater".

Even as a tall, strong, excessively educated woman, there are times when I feel afraid or pushed apon. And I like my man to be masculine. It's not "better or worse" but there's a difference with testosterone.

I don't think any man will ever show up to a conference and have the honorific sorted by gender not in his favor. That has happened to me and I'm not the only one, and it sucks and I made a stink and then as a woman I had to experience the concern that I would be less feminine AND less successful because I wanted basic credit.

It's can be beautiful; we were trying to set up my mother in laws sleeping space during hospice and I felt lost; my husband just massively moved heavy things around in a way that was inconceivable to me. As in "I wasn't aware you could shift heavy things like that, OMG that's pretty sexy".

That feeling that we've had at multiple times in our marriage, where I'm frustrated with how society tells me I'm "less" and yet I must admit he's got certain strengths, that has been a very awkward place. I love him, I admire him, I respect him, he's not responsible for being the cultural asshole.

That tension, that dynamic of wanting a man to be a man while feeling a crushing complexity about it. That's what I would wish some sensitivy for.

Yes, lean in, make it sexy. Talk dirty, role play.

Oh gosh. It's a joke, a meme. Dearie.

Let me excessively over explain it to the tiny degree.

Some one guy, in a TV show where he wasn't supposed to be hired as a sex symbol, had a scene where he was having a jog, in some grey sweatpants and the fans got crashed about his "print", which is the shape of his penis hidden inside clothes.

There was some crazy about him being sexy generally, but there was also extra lots of crazy about his nonchalant "print". And how it was maybe easier to see since the pants were not flat black or white, but grey. And not of a fully tailored material.

Such that his grey sweatpants were the slyest, cheeky way for a man to pretend he wasn't showing off his package. So that it became a thing. Now, wearing grey sweatpants might be showing off the package. Where since that one guy had a moment, now most guys should be aware that there's a cultural zeitgeist.

Ahem, Good Omens. And I'm utterly messed up about this because I want Mr Hamm to have a calm life, I also want to cherish the women following, and hope to find ways where men can feel good about sexually positive interest.

Is that what they are calling the "modern mullet"?

Exactly. My love, I wouldn't use the word "changed" he has grown with me over the twenty years.

Teach the back row, what is a warrior cut?

Friend, if your post history is consistent, you will have no issue at all. Gorgeous and faithful goes a long way.

But. Be meticulously honest about your legal and relationship status. It's utterly reasonable that you are a relationship oriented person who is accustomed to relationship behaviors, the rhythm and clockwork of having a spouse.

Be clear. And the dating apps may be too soon for you until you are legally free.

Or maybe head for the far left field with some radical truth:

I'm a monogamist, I'm adrift, my longtime spouse has separated and filed for divorce and I'm trying to learn how to date. If you want a casual-to-more relationship to teach a sweet, good guy how to date, I'll bring plenty of sweet affectionate energy with a learner's mindset.

... So basically you mean, yes, it's important to have protected time when the kids are cared for by someone else (maybe their father???), and your paid work doesn't happen when you are being a full time parent.

Good Lord, when I was out with my babies we were at the museum or library constantly, and no, it is not reasonable to do serious work while parenting simultaneously if you are being an actually responsive parent. As in, yes there are people that half-ass that stuff because they have to, but it's not great.

Good gravy I truly hated being full time stay at home.

And I was/am very attached, the babies nursed two years, we did attachment before it was trendy, we cooked at home and packed lunch 29 days of the month. I had between 6 and 12 months maternity with each of my babies. I couldn't wait to go back.

I needed to use my career brain, talk to adults, have things stay where I put them. Being a home maker is a special kind of calling that I do not have.

Do NOT tell anyone that it's "easy" to be a stay at home parent.

Hugs. Breathe. This true, but let's also allow it to be true that many guys are growing up without any good influences at all, and this particular Internet space is specifically designated as "men ask women" for them to try to grow, so let's be friendly to them here when they show up in good faith. This post does not seem malicious.

It's not that you don't have good reason to vent, it's that there are probably other better spaces for that. This is a space for healing. This little duckling is trying to do good.

Duckling, we are people. Like any other people.

Give yourself a homework for a month to offer up at least two to four sentences a day to a person who happens to be female, that you are NOT trying to ask out or get with.

Spend this intense month practicing "talking to women" in a way that has nothing to do with dating.

Ask their opinion on a menu item as you are both in line. Compliment a hat. Offer to return a grocery cart, briskly while moving along. Visit your auntie Charlotte and bring her a quiche, ask her about her old college stories.